The Candy Shop #30

CANDY SHOP IS DEAD!
by Nayt Housman

Well the year is nearly over and it’s the last time you will unwrap the Candy Shop wrapper this year (maybe forever?) So I felt it was appropriate to hold a funeral ceremony in order to farewell what has been a great year of shit/good/weird/addictive/repulsive Candy Shop posts. Candy Shop was a lot of things to a lot of us but most of all…



Candy Shop was a faithful friend…

Candy Shop was a confidante…

Candy Shop was honest when we needed it…  

Candy Shop was a whole lot of good memories…

 
In loving memory of The Candy Shop. May you live on in the memories and hearts of all thirty people who ever read your words.

The Candy Shop #29

Mirror, mirror on the wall. 

Who’s the brassiest of them all?

by Nayt Housman

It almost seems inevitable that at some stage of ones career in music one will dabble in a little hair colour experimentation. Most women get away with a lot of colour changes with a predictable amount of scrutiny, some good, some bad, but tonight my job is to judge the boys.


Now I’m guilty of MANY bad colour jobs, all of which at the time seemed like the most amazing idea. Of course hindsight is some kind of crushing jerk that never tells you how bad you look until after the phase has passed. So as a man of extensive experience on the matter I find the humble old bleach job to be the most difficult look to pull off successfully. So without further a due who gets it right and who falls on their br-ass?

David Bowie 

Before 

Oh what a cute lil imp he was, almost innocent looking. But no, I’m not sold.

 After

Then the 80s happened, and judge all you will but Labyrinth Bowie is something quite special and those “firework” blonde locks BLOW MY MIND! Win for the bottle blonde!

 Billy Idol 

Before

Billy is that really your natural colour? Whatever, just shut up and get in my bed.

 Ummmm after?

As you can see Billy Idol adopter the bleach early and ding dang he stuck with it. I say all the better for it. This king of cheesy punk rock sends prickles through my flesh and makes me fantasize about being in his cradle of love. Call me a fool, but Billy you’ve got me in your sexy web.

 Sanadra Maitreya who was once Terence Trent D’arby 
Before 

Ooh girl you look like a cross betwoin Naomi Campbell and Tracy Chapman. I dig it but dude the shoulder pads let you dowwwwwn.

After 

Boy you got some funky (as in “something smells funky in here”) dance moves but I will forgive and forget. Honey pie YOU LOOK FINE! The peroxide has served you well SM-TTD’A.

Kurt Cobain 

Before 

Don’t kid youselves, Kurt’s beautiful, messy blonde locks came from a bottle. I must say that he looks a lot more “hobo” pre bleach.

After 

 

Maybe it’s the blonde that brought Nirvana their success. Did anyone ever think of that? Who care though, the bleach turned Kurt from a hobo into some kind of disheveled, sexual rock god and he never looked back… Well...

Jimmy Barnes 

Before 

Oh so suave and natural… Cough.

After

His career had slumped so what does he do? Dives into the bottle head first and I’m not talking the spirits. I’ve got to say though, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt attracted to old Barnesie. That’s a win for the bleach!


LOL I just had to include THIS. Did you know Jimmy performed at the 1999 Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras? Blue hair? Bleach was just the beginning for his “experimentation”.

Justin Timberlake 

 Before (which actually came after)

Ahem. I would…

After

It’s pretty obvious that JT was still “finding himself” but dammit boy didn’t you have a mirror or any friends who were honest with you? Never bleach again.


Is it possible the bottle blonde boys all improved but one? JT was already naturally pretty and just looked like a knob with his bleached perm, but the fact that it could make even Jimmy Barnes seem attractive, is somewhat astounding. Now excuse me but I have an appointment with a bottle of peroxide bleach…

The Candy Shop #28

Nayt. Skate. Heartbreak.

by Nayt Housman

I had a relationship that has been on and off since I was 12, but Friday night it all came to an end. I’ve blogged about this relationship before and decided to rekindle the love again. That’s right, I was in love with Roller Skating but our last date ended badly. This is what went down.


It was like old times, I arrived, put on my skates, my friends arrived and it was all “Xanadu” fantasy like.

We got rolling, it was freeing, like we’d never stopped. Music sounds better with you baby.

Then some skank got in the way, all up in my stopper. I had nowhere to go but dowwwwwwn. Bitch got in between us and it was a wreck.

I could only see one thing keep me from totally falling on my arse. A boob. I grabbed a boob. It didn’t go down well (just replace “pillow” in “everybody needs a bosom for a pillow” with “handle”).

My night was over. I was a mess my relationship had abruptly ended and I couldn’t even put my shoe on or walk.

I woke up Saturday morning; I knew something was dire, so off to the Accident and Emergency I went.

Diagnosis? Broken ankle and broken heart…

 The lesson learned? Love is a bloodsport...

So that’s it. This is my farewell to Roller Skating. It’s been a beautiful relationship but for all the happiness you brought me, you caused more pain. I loved you Roller Skating, but we can no longer be together. At least not until my ankle heals…

The Candy Shop #27

Summertime Sadness...Oh Wait, It's Still Spring

by Nayt Housman

It’s nearing Summer which means it’s nearing the end of the year which means I’m thinking about all the things I set out to do this year yet have not so what do I do about it? I wallow… I wallow in music I know will make me blubber like a child who dropped it’s icecream.

Summertime Sadness

by Lana Del Rey

I’m not ready to cry for you yet Lana because it’s still spring but I’ll play your game (video game?) for now you saucy minx. But I really just included this because of my title.

Chemo Limo 

by Regina Spektor 

Combining her loopy lyrics like “crispy, crispy Benjamin Franklin” with her delicious Brooklyn accent, Regina crafted a song about deciding whether to go on chemo or take a limo to the end of the line. Infectiously heartbreaking, Regina you had me at “crispy”.

Someday Soon 

by The Trouble With Templeton

I really don’t even need to say much about TTWT coz I just keep ranting and ranting on and on and on about how much I love them but I’m gripped every time I hear them and 'Someday Soon' is a real tugger of the emotional strings. So brooding yet uplifting at the same time. Gosh I’m a wreck for this.

Beautiful Calm Driving 

by Sia 

From her incredible album Some People Have Real Problems, Sia delivers her tale about driving in a calm manner, which when described so simply sounds crap but I swear this one bites me deep and the tears start welling uncontrollably. “You turned into another. You turned into a nutter. You turn into another man.” Story of my life.

Mad World 

by Gary Jules 

 

Probably one of the best remakes of a song ever and totally recreated from the original. Gary Jules turns 'Mad World' into a song that connected with every orifice in my beating black heart. Then there’s the video clip! Urrrrrrgh so amazing.

Coming Up For Air 

by Siobhan Donaghy 

Oh that voice, quivering with vulnerability, yet brimming with power. Siobhan has something in her voice that brings me to my knees, so if I’m listening to her just don’t be around me or you’ll be picking me up off the floor.

Crosses Zero 

by 7 ft. Jose Gonzalez 

Brimming with optimism and underpinned with that 'Jose' kind of melancholy his voice effortlessly conveys. The whole album this is from, The Garden (also featuring Sia) pretty much brings me undone and reminds me of both happy and sad times. Gushhhhhhhh.


Now I’m sorry but I have to go and continue to wallow…

The Candy Shop #26

Nayt's going all out with his costume this year.

How To Make A Frankenstein Clown Cake

by Nayt Housman

*WARNING! This post contains clowns not of the happy friendly kind…


It’s that time of year again when the flowers are blooming and the weather is warm, all the kids are out playing and the ghouls and ghosts are readying to knock on our doors. That’s right it’s HALLOWEEN!
I’ve never really been the type to get all dressed up and go trick or treating, but I still love Halloween and what I love most about it is one thing that scares the pants off most people but I adore them. CLOWNS. I secretly (not so secretly) want to be a clown. A creepy, sinister, sexy clown. I’m sure it’s possible… The recipe follows.


Add one cup of - The Clown (Le Queloune) 

[Editor's note - Nayt did provide a warning. The following video is not for the faint of heart.]

This actually the whole film. Its soundtrack is peaceful, beautiful and warm like a summer breeze that wraps around the antagonist clown's twitchy limbs while he discovers himself and his newfound palette for delicacies not uncommon on the plate of Hannibal. I need a big helping of this kind of quirk in my creepy, sexy clown.


A teaspoon of - Saw's Billy the Puppet (Original short film = less gory) 

This is the scariest, creepiest puppet clown ever invented. I do not condone the whole “making people choose their death” thing but I will imbibe a small amount of his scary.


One litre of - Goldfrapp's Clowns 

Alison Goldfrapp as a sexy clown? I needs this. I wants this. I must have this. Also if it means I get to dance around in a clown moo-moo then I’M IN!


A tablespoon of - Krusty and Sideshow Mel's Send In The Clowns

Possibly (or definitely) the most famous TV clown and his sidekick would make an excellent addition to my Frankenstein clown cake. HEY HEY KIDS!


Half a litre of - David Bowie's Threepenny Pierrot

“Gaytime eyes” need I say more. I’m not the biggest Bowie fan but damn this man put the sexy in clown. I’ll take one to GO. Combine all the ingredients well, pour into a cake tin and bake at 180 for 30 mins.


Once cooked add a sprinkling of - Amateur clown doing things to Bjork’s Pluto 

What’s crazier than a badly done up clown being weird in an abandoned house to a soundtrack of Bjork? Ummmmmmm… I’m dry with ideas but I want what she’s having, so she’s in the recipe!


And finally!


Serve with a big scoop of – Lucille Ball

 

She’s the sweetest, most adorable, and definitely most delicious clown the world has ever seen ever and all I really need to say is “LOOOOO-SEEEEEEE!” “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHT?”

 

The Candy Shop #25

WOOF! MEOW! MOO! BLUB (that’s the sound a fish makes)
by Nayt Housman

Since I was a kid I have been surrounded by music revering and educating me about our life companions. Some call them “fur/feather/fin children” or “kids of the four legged/winged/finned kind”, even simply my best friend. Of course I’m talking about our partners… I mean pets. Pets always find a special place in our soft lil hearts and musicians often find inspiration to write about them. This weeks Candy Shop is dedicated to all the pets out there in the world and is a plea to my loving partner to GET ME A GUINEA PIG! Oint oint oint (that’s the sound a Guinea Pig makes)!

So most musicians seem to find inspiration for writing from their dogs.

You Can Run (Ferns Theme)

by The Orbweavers  

Oh lordy cheeses sliced this song makes me weep like a baby. A song about Marita Dyson and Stuart Flannigan’s rescued race greyhound Fern.

Evie 

by Cub Sport

This delicious little morsel from Cub Sport makes me squeal and giggle like a five year old girl with new pink glitter sneakers that have flouro yellow shoe noodle laces.

Sadie

by Joanna Newsome

 

Love her or hate her, Newsome’s child like voice is the perfect tool for engineering a song about a dog. Her story telling ability is humbling and totally endearing (until she hits one of those shriek notes).

Rosie

by Thelma Plum

I hadn’t heard much Plum goodness until Bigsound a lil while back but I’m so glad I got to hear Rosie, a song about her dog. Bless.


Sometimes marine life is even inspirational...

Rock Lobster

by B52’s

Sooooo a rock lobster isn’t really a pet I know BUT I’m sure some people have them and possibly love them very much, also clams, mermaids, snappers and thankfully for this post a dog-fish and a cat-fish feature in this grand classic.


Sometimes though we don’t have pets so we just fantasize about being an animal…

I’m Like A Bird 

by Nelly Fur-tado (gettit? Fur? Pets? Lol)

Nelly was probably so angry that she was denied having pets (this is not fact, I really don’t know/care) that she went a little crackers and pretended to be a bird until she was heavily sedated and institutionalized and forced to write about her experience which then was made into this song (again this is definitely not fact)…


In honour of all the pets that were ever a part of my life, in no particular order, Bear the dog, PJ the dog, Lady the dog, Bubbles and Squeak the ducks, Red the chicken, Mickey the budgie, Snuffie the Cockatiel, the several unnamed and short lived guinea pigs (Lady the dog ate them as well as one of the ducks), the many unnamed mice that never stopped breeding, Princess the cockatiel, Dexstar the dog, Mikey the dog, Chocolate, Vanilla, Honey and Cinnamon the fish and all the rescued animals, Tawny Frogmouth, Magpie, Kookaburra, Baby Pigeon and Lorikeets x a million (drunken bastards would booze up on fermenting mangoes)....

The Candy Shop #24

NEWS FLASH! Pop stars attack!

by Nayt Housman

A large number of us average non-celebrity folk seem to have an unusual obsession with the ins and outs of celebrity culture and never more so than when they GO CRAZY! Today I share my favourite moments when pop stars we all know and may or may not love go punching, bashing, knocking, slapping, shoving and high kicking their way into our hearts by keeping it real and showing us their 'vulnerable' side. After all they’re only human. Or are they?


Miss Piggy is and always will be one of the most influential DIVAs of our time and always looks so youthful. What’s her secret? KARATE! The Piggy Chop...

Miss Piggy is no ones Sunday morning breakfast and must never be taken for granted. She is a woman who controls her own destiny and her lips. She’s known to kiss and tell but 'Never On A Sunday'. 

Bjork wins the award for the most fierce and high-energy attack. I mean hot darn, I’d need a lie down after the first lash out but Bjork is a true athlete and she just keeps on wriggling and slapping up a storm. The Wildcat...

Bjork has always been a passionate performer and this performance was no different. She just has a lot of emotions and sometimes she’s a lil 'Violently Happy'.

Grace Jones has always been unapologetically DIVA and as long as things go her way, the waters will remain calm and the sailing will be smooth but OOOOOH girl, you had better not rock a queen’s boat! Hissy Fitting...

Forever a natural disaster (in the best kind of way) if you turn your back on her you better think about heading down to the storm shelter, coz honey she gon whip up one HELL of a 'Hurricane'.

Kanye West keeps upping the DIVA ante by pushing his celebrity weight around. Who’s his number one enemy? Cameras. Smashorama...

And…missed it by that much...

Kanye does not feel the love of the cameras in his face so he locks. them. DOWWWWN along with his 'Love Lockdown'.

Is Britney Spears queen of the pap attacks? She sure needs no blurb about her paparazzi attention or her umbrella-swinging prowess. I’d have done the same. I wish she’d rock the shaved head again. She used to be cool. Umbrellagate...

And this…The Masseur...

She may be great at foot massages; she’s bone-cracking good actually, even though her technique has some questionable elements but Brit is no 'Slave 4 U' regardless of what she says.

Finally…Amy Winehouse was born in the wrong era for sure. We know she loved the retro pop but I think she was far more suited to being a pirate wench (especially towards the end). The Keelhaul Brawl (I’m pretending she’s on a pirate ship)...

They tried to make her go to rehab but she said it best when she said 'You Know I’m No Good'

Why is it we love prying in on celebrity lives so much and why is it more exciting when we push them to breaking point? Is it because we worship them like demi-gods and when they show human elements it gives us our jollies? Do we get some kind of emotional angergasm? I’m not a shrink so I can’t answer that, but do I feel sorry for them? No…I desperately want to be a celebrity just so I can go off the rails and accidentally expose myself while kicking and scratching at some eager pap. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO TO REHAB!

The Candy Shop #23

Nothing Compares. Or Does It? 

The Comparisons And Cat Fights Continue…

by Nayt Housman

A lot of comparisons are made in the music industry and it will always be this way. Recently a certain young pop star made a comparison to a pop star of musical heritage that once covered a song by a music big gun, and the comparison was met with a letter that was met with twitter insults that was met with another letter and the saga goes on…


This is a blog post about rivals and the best way to introduce it is with this short clip. You’ll understand.

Miley recently said her 'Wrecking Ball' clip is like the 'Nothing Compares 2 U' of today...Sinead said Miley’s a music prostitute...Miley said Sinead is crackers...Prince doesn’t care...Miley licks sledge hammers because she’s told to...Sinead shaves her head coz no one tells her what to do...Prince makes purple rain....

Is Miley, the new Sinead? 

Is Sinead the new Prince?

Is Prince still alive? 

And speaking of Prince I remember the 80s/90s competition between Michael Jackson and the love symbol.

Prince...

Michael Jackson...

While I’m pointing out the obvious, we have the Gaga/Madonna comparison. I’m not going to lie, most of Gaga’s music doesn’t appeal to me much and Madonna has had some great moments but not for quite some time. Gaga’s antics are more comparable to Bjork or Grace Jones than Madonna but I guess her music is closer to Madonna’s and Grace Jones has weighed in saying she did it all first. I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. Madonnaga? Lady Bjordonna? Bjordaga? But what I love about these comparisons is the music mash ups that come out of the catfights.

Madonnaga?

Lady Gagonna?

Grace Jones?

So all these “who did what better” comparisons have been going on forever and in the 90s wasn’t it Britney vs Christina, Spice Girls vs S Club 7 and Mariah vs Whitney?

Britstina Aguilears?

Maritney Houstarey?

Spice Club 7 Girls?

Then there are some more obscure comparisons like Moloko vs Kylie or Gaga vs Spice Girls. HA!

Kyloko?

Spicy Gaga?

Why so serious? IT’S JUST POP MUSIC!

I love how heated people get when their fave pop stars get embroiled in online sledge matches and the debate boils over into the lives of everyday Johns who battle as if they’re personally involved. I love to get involved myself but I secretly just like to prod the coals and stoke the fire because in the end, who really gives a crap?

Artists are bound to be influenced by each other over the course of history and often will end up working with the same producers/stylists/directors/photographers etc, so eventually there has to be some convergence here n there. Am I going to stop debating when a new pop star brings out a single that sounds remarkably like something I already love? HELL NO!

To quote our blog’s beautiful Jo;

“The pop music industry needed Miley AND Sinead. It hasn't been this interesting in a long time.” 

Everyone just wants to belong to a team right? So whose team are you on? Sinead or Miley? Gaga or Madonna? Christina or Britney? If you ask me, they’re all crap! Now where’s my Spandau Ballet record?

The Candy Shop #22

'CRAPTASTICAL' Arrangements 

(Problems With My Musical Bowels)

by Nayt Housman

You know when you hear a song and at first you think wtf? But then you end up loving it? THAT is a craptastic song. Sometimes it will be one that simply lingers in your head all day even though it’s not something you’re really into, or one where the lyrics sound so naff you can’t imagine why they’d be used but then work their way into your daily vocabulary by word osmosis. They’re kind of like an infection of some kind, but an infection that leaves you better off than before…


Let the infecting begin.

Jack Jack Jackie 
by Joanne

Even though it’s not her song originally, Joanne surely made this one her own and it didn’t matter how bad her dancing was or really how bad the song was in general, it’s just one of the most catchy and infectious songs. The reason I’ll never escape it is randomly live brings a ‘Jack’ or ‘Jackie’ into my life and BAM, it’s in my head again… DAMN YOU JACK OR JACKIE!

Lola 
by The Kinks  

I’m going to be lynched by some for this but rhyming Lola and cherry cola = craptastic. Sometimes I wonder how such “crackers the clown” lyrics can work so well in a song and really who am I to argue? LA LA LA LA LOLA!

Robert De Niro’s Waiting 
by Bananarama

Bananarama are possibly one of the most craptastic bands of the 80’s with so many kitsch songs infecting our brains and getting lodged somewhere in our memory stores, never to be erased. Why is Robert De Niro waiting? Should I actually listen to the lyrics in each verse to find out? Too much effort… I’ll just sing along with the chorus.

Babooska 
by Kate Bush

Kate Bush is truly a music pioneer for the bizarre and quirky. Her most intriguing and alluring talent would have to be, not her singing, but rather her dancing. She twitches and glides, somehow turning her body into some kind of hypnotic idol. People have worshipped her for many years and will continue to do so as long as her hypnotic hips continue to be seen.

Hooting And Howling 
by Wild Beasts

When I first heard this song I was addicted! Singing like Liza Minelli with lyrics like “courting him in fisty-cuffing waltz” and “any rival who goes for our girls, will be left in thumb sucking terror” I knew they didn’t care about the “cool” factor of rock and were really just making some of the best story telling music I think I’ve ever heard but with more kitsch and kink than I could have ever imagined. CRAPTASTIGASM!

Zombie 
by The Cranberries

(Yes I did feature this in our 90s count down already, don’t judge) Zombie heads! That’s a sure fire way of piquing the interest of a 12yo boy. I LOVE ZOMBIES! I never actually knew this song was an anti war song referring to the IRA bombing in Cheshire. I just thought they were singing about bombing and killing zombies. Either way it works for me, and I think I drove my family nuts repeatedly singing “ZOHHHMBEH ZOHHHHMBEH-EH-EEEEH-EH-EEEEH-EH OHHH-OH-OHHH-OH!”

It’s Oh So Quiet 
by Bjork

I really do miss “Pop Bjork”, such amazing unhinged music sensibilities… Does that make sense? No? Good. Bjork often makes no sense but I can’t help but adore her. When I first heard It’s Oh So Quiet I effing hated it. Like HATED it, until I developed an overwhelming crush on a guy (I can’t even remember who anymore) and then it all made so much sense. An addiction was developed, and my love for Craptastic music evolved and took over. Bjork I blame you! Bjork I love you and thank you.


Of course there are so many Craptastic songs out there that have infected peoples brains since the inception of popular music so this is just a small sampler of my addiction. What’s your most Craptastic song? Who’s your most Craptastic band? Do you even succumb to the craptasticness of craptasticism? Are you a Craptasticite?

The Candy Shop #21

Electric Ladies and Sexy Robot Strippers

by Nayt Housman

So what did you do this week? Anything fun? Oh! You worked and when you weren’t working you ate burgers! How lovely. What did I do you ask? HA! Nothing much, just makeup on around 20 or so people for a new secret Michelle Xen video and then gyrated and writhed against the thick humid electro fueled atmosphere in the video as one of the extras… Nothing much at all.


In honour, this week's Candy Shop will be a melting pot of electro girl power as I share my love (again) of all things glittery, chic, electrically charged and popilicious! These are the songs that stayed on repeat for weeks at a time and women who have shaped my musical world.

The Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams

My electro love was spawned as a child in pure adoration of the Eurythmics dance classic Sweet Dreams. I grew up with it’s gritty synth and tense lyrics sprouted from Annie’s mouth running through my developing brain. It’s hard to ignore such a classic no matter what genre you are most loyal too.

Spiller - Groovejet

Gosh, when this song came out I went on an Internet spree trying to find who the amazingly sensual, charismatic, sleek and sexy singer was. Of course we all know now it’s the beautiful and very English lady Sophie Ellis Bextor. But what the hell was with that ugly goatee adorning that man’s chin? NO! Facial hair is meant to be sexy, not cause to run for the rodent traps.

Goldfrapp - Train

Is there anything Goldfrapp can’t do? With a new album just out (check out my review in the upcoming New Music Monday) Alison and Gregory just keep pushing into new territory and conquering it as though it’s all they’ve ever done but who can forget their foray into the electro world? I always imagine I’m a stripper robot when I hear this song. Barrrp barrrrp beee BARRRP!

Everything But The Girl - Five Fathoms

EBTG were one of the first real electro loves in my cache and the love has never diminished. Tracey Thorne’s soft English voice melts into me and transports me into her story.

Kylie Minogue - Say Hey

I ACHE for this song. Kylie transformed from the girl next door (locomotion), to the girl next door who got laid (Put Yourself In My Place), then to this, woman in control, commander and Goddess.

Dannii Minogue - Put The Needle On It

Dannii had her moments too and it’s very hard to forget 'Put The Needle On It'. I may or may not have thought I was a stripper when dancing to this too, but less stripper robot and more “seedy gay club stripper” and I would dance kinda like that dancing baby from Ally McBeal but obviously sexier…

Kosheen - Catch

Am I not the coolest person ever for loving this song? No? Oh, well I used to think liking this song automatically made me cool but once that wore off I actually genuinely LOVE this song. Plus I’m still cool durr. Is it cool to say I’m cool? Do kids actually say “cool” anymore?

Ladytron - 17

Somehow there seems to be a sexy robot theme developing here. Where there are sexy robots, you will of course find Ladytron, potentially singing a very repetitively fashionable, anti-fashion song about pubescent models. It’s one of those addictive songs that only has a couple of lines but as soon as they pass through your mind they’re stuck and your bum is wiggling.

Lalleshwari - Dark Angel

Here’s the wildcard of the night, an obscure English artist named Katie Jane Garside, who may be better known as the singer of Daisy Chainsaw, Queen Adreena or Ruby Throat. In the mid 00s Katie released an album as Lalleshwari called Lullabies In A Glass Wilderness. Which is equally alien as it is alluring and sensual.

Roisin Murphy - Ramalama (Bang Bang)

No electro pop list would be complete without Roisin (Ro-sheen). Let’s just leave it at that and if you aren’t familiar with this woman by now then spend some time familiarizing yourself. QUEEN ROISIN!

Michelle Xen - Cleopatra

Finally it’s my new Queen of electro pop that I have had the pleasure of sharing part of the creative process with, Michelle Xen. I could hardly believe Michelle was a Brisbane based performer when I first heard her but BELIEVE IT! This woman is a powerhouse, a live wire, a lightning strike! Someone help fill in some electric analogies here!


ZAP ZAP! POW POW! While Electro and Pop remain in sexy union I’ll be a happy boy dancing like a sexy robot stripper. One day I’ll have a video of me dancing like the dancing baby as said sexy robot stripper and it will go viral and I’ll perform my dance all over the world. Sweet dreams are made of this.


PS. Keep an eye out for news on Michelle Xen’s top-secret video. It will be worth the wait to see me making love to the music. Hopefully we’ll see something soon.

The Candy Shop #20

Money, money, money, must be funny, it’s a crime, too tight to mention, gimme the MUNY the Yen and the Peso, I WANT MONEY!


In light of recent Australian political events it only seems fit that I dedicate tonight’s Candy Shop to the all mighty dollar! It consumes our lives and dominates out decisions like “Do I have enough money for another cream filled éclair or should I be saving to get that tumor cut out?” It rules our health, our leisure, our pleasure and apparently the music industry. WHO KNEW? Lolz.

Money in the 70s

Money 

by Pink Floyd

I can never get over how timeless these guys are. This was released in 1973 and is still as fresh today. I dedicate this to Australian politics!

Money Money Money 

by ABBA 

Just find me a rich man so I can be a kept lady. Were these the aspirations of the time? I want this. I keep telling my lover to become super successful or I’m leaving. I think it’s healthy in a relationship to have an ultimatum.

 Money in the 80s

Money's Too Tight (To Mention)

by Simply Red

That’s not all that’s too tight to mention… Did you see that curly fringe? Mick you little firecracker, I bet the money isn’t too tight these days.

Money For Nothing

by Dire Straits

“See the little f****t with the earring and the makeup, yeah buddy that's his own hair, that little f****t got his own jet air plane, that little f****t he's a millionaire...” charming no? This was regularly played when I was growing up. Maybe I subconsciously felt that being gay would make me rich? Actually no…

Money in the 90s

Money

by The Flying Lizards

I was a teenager once. I heard this song. I also just wanted money. I was a teenager and needed things. Things only money could buy. I WANT MONEY!

 Money in the 00s

 Rich Girl
by Gwen Stefani

If I was a rich girl I’d probably nana nana nana nana nah too. This was when Gwen sold out to so it’s only fitting she’s singing about being rich. Maybe she wrote this before she was raking in the cash?

 Money in the 10s

Muny
by Nicki Minaj

She a muny grabbing so ‘n’ so with a luv for da buck and a butt like a truck! I’m not really a Nicki fan but this song was part of a burlesque production I saw recently and I must admit my muny maker became a muny shaker!


Money makes the world go round and drives everything from politics to music and as much as things change they remain the same. Now where’d I put my diamond ring? I think it might have fallen off in my money pit…

The Candy Shop #19

BRING BACK THE BRASS!

For Fans Of A Big Horn

by Nayt Housman

It was big in the ‘30s/‘40s/’50s then flopped, was revived in the ‘80s then went soft for a while until a revival in the ‘90s. Will it grow again? Has it returned? Is it still too daggy because your dad liked it?


Today in The Candy Shop I endeavour to find out, as I share my love affair of the toots and honks of a good brass horn (aka saxophone, trumpet or any other brassy tooting instrument) over the last 60-ish years. So go to the closet, pull out your old horn and dust it off ready for some action. PAAAAARRRRRRRRP!


The jazz era was big on big band brass and oh what an era it was. I wouldn’t be privy to it’s glory had I not purchased one of those cheesy box set of “jazz classics” which introduced me to such delights as these…

The Peacocks 

by Bill Evans Trio featuring Stan Getz

I remember hearing this for the first time and getting major chills. Stunning piece, so classy and sad.

Salt Peanuts 
by Dizzy Gillespie 

Lunacy! Pure lunacy. I LOVE IT!

Brass seemed to have faded away mostly until it was again adopted in the 80s bigger, better and cheesier than ever. Cheesy is not a swear word! Everyone loves a cheesy horn…

Smooth Operator 

by Sade

Oh lordy cheeses sliced! Does pop really get much better than this? Not only is Sade one of the most beautiful women in the world with one of the sexiest voices ever but man she made the right decision to include tootingly good brass in this song.

Bakers Street 

by Gerry Rafferty

This is actually the first song I remember hearing and thinking “Wow! Saxophone is AWESOME!” What a classic.

Careless Whisper 

by George Michael

George you’ve featured quite a lot in The Candy Shop lately but really who can resist you? (Except for cops in public toilets you’re cruising.) Faux pas aside this is some great sex…errrr sax.

Chant No.1 

by Spandau Ballet

I learnt of this song working in my shitty retail job. The one benefit of shitty retail (particularly in my place of employment) is the amazing (this is subjective) music I keep discovering.

Never Tear Us Apart 

by INXS 

A beautiful song, a beautiful man, a beautiful horn…solo.

Hail the 90s! You may not have noticed much tooting during this decade but it’s surely there, especially with the ska revival (remember No Doubt and well, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones). Also there’s Kenny G though lets try not to think about him too hard. Kenny G = Bad Cheese.

Break In The Weather 

 by Jenny Morris

This is one of my all time fave songs. The sax, the floating lips, giant eye, trumpeting ventriloquist dummy and OH the dancing! The fist-pumps beside her face are my fave moves. You are so classy Jenny…so classy indeed.

Bathwater 

by No Doubt

Were No Doubt responsible for reviving the horn section in the 90s? WHO CARES! I only care how awesome this song (and the album Tragic Kingdom) were and that they reintroduced me to some gold shiny brassy goodness. I was hardly going to credit The Mighty Mighty Bosstones.

History Repeating 

by The Propellerheads ft. Shirley Bassey

Combining old and new, Bassy and brassy never sounded so good.

00s and beyond and my love of the horn only grows stronger, however, apart from the odd Gaga or Katy Perry track, it’s still not a common element to current pop music.

Lady 

by Regina Spektor

This was never a single but by far one of my favourite Regina Spektor songs. Her Brooklyn accent, touching lyrics and simple piano combined with one of the most emotional sax sections I’ve ever heard. Music needn’t be complicated to be pure perfection.

Only Here For The Fight 

by Jenny Wilson 

Highly underrated and incredibly talented, Jenny Wilson combines the perfect amount of quirk with comedy and well, brass. Rather than incorporating it as a specific solo the brass slowly creeps in toward the end until it crescendos then slowly fades. Gorgeooooous.

Never Again 

by Spender

This dashing Australian saxophonist is not only good for a blow but is a craftsman of some deliciously poptastic tunes. One I will be keeping my ears closely tuned to.

Aeroplane 

by Bjork

There is no way I could leave out Bjork. Always the one to go against the grain and in this song pretty much dominated by it’s horn section is definitely a fave from this impish lil fire cracker.
It’s funny how a single instrument can make you fall in love with an entire song. 

I always say to get into new music it either has to be a simply amazing song or it needs to have what I call an “in”. A single element to connect with, that opens me up to the whole song, that may not always be within my realm of taste but for me the brass section, specifically a good bit of sax has been my 'in' for so many great songs. Now excuse me while I go play with my horn.

*We are aware sax is actually a woodwind instrument but for the sake of this post if it toots and honks and is made of brass it qualifies.

The Candy Shop #18

These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You...

So Always Wear A Helmet

by Nayt Housman

So Monday morning was most like any other morning except for two things, my lover was away and when I was getting ready to ride to work on my bicycle, I happened to put on different boots than usual.


I love riding to work, especially early in the morning because there’s little traffic on the road and it’s blissfully quiet. I usually feel powerful and free!

But in the back of my mind I’m always worried that someone will knock me off my bike and well, it happened. Like a slow motion movie a guy pulling out of a side street hit my back wheel propelling my into the bitumen. I’m broken but someday soon, I’ll be put back together…

Then after my hospital trip and all the “hoo-haa” that goes with it I was released but had to go back to work to get my belongings. When I walked in, they’d all been talking about the boy who got into an accident and couldn’t come to work… It was I...

Then I was left alone to recover at home by myself. No one to look after me… Eventually my lover came home from his trip; the first words from his mouth were “What’s for dinner? We have sexy times?” then with no regard for my welfare he “accidently” kept bumping into my injuries. How cold, how insensitive…

If only I’d worn my regular boots maybe this mess would never have happened?

*All mentioned events actually happened except for the whole insensitive lover remarks. No T no shade.

The Candy Shop #17

Supermodel Dysmorphia (It's Real, Guarantee)

by Nayt Housman

When people ask me about the ‘90s and what influence it had on me there’s usually one word that would come to mind first, “Supermodel”. Let’s face it; I was an awkward kid/teen in this decade of glamazons and when I didn’t feel so glamorous myself I escaped into their world. I was (if you ask me) most like Linda Evangelista and would spend hours looking at photos of her and pretending to be her and when I think about it, her ability to morph her image for which she was dubbed “The Chameleon” still has influence on me now.


These bitches were fierce! They had attitude, everyone wanted to be them, be with them or know them and many obsessed over them. I would draw them, imagine them as my best friends and secretly dress up like them, pretending to be them, while posing in the mirror. I would even edit photos of myself to look like them. Crackers? I doubt it…


Sure a psychologist would probably have a field day going through my case file and hopefully I’d be diagnosed with “Supermodel dysmorphia” (it’s real I guarantee) but I knew I was as fabulous and fierce, I just needed someone to discover me so I wouldn’t have to get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day.

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

featuring Helena Christensen

 

 

Another musician introduced to me by my father, Wicked Game was released in ’89 but didn’t become a hit until its feature in some movie in ’90. It featured a young and topless Helena Christensen frolicking on the beach with Chris while he manhandled her and groped her neck with his lips (lucky girl). 

Freedom '90 by George Michael 

featuring Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington, Tatjana Patitz, and Cindy Crawford and some hot no-name male models.

Oh George did you think you were kidding us? You were lusting after the male models while gushing over how pretty the girls are and how much you wanted to wear their outfits. I’m not judging. I feel the same way…

Too Funky by George Michael 

featuring Linda Evangelista, Nadja Auermann, Tyra Banks and others that don’t matter.

When you’re onto something good, keep the ball rolling. George was obviously as obsessed with Supermodels as I was it’s just that he had the cash to splash and the celebrity status to make them his best friends. Kudos to you George… kudos… you jerk. One day Linda will know me.

I’m Not Perfect (But I’m Perfect For You) by Grace Jones  

featuring Grace Jones and Andy Warhol. 

 

Now this fox knows what she got. I know her heyday was during the 80’s mostly but I wasn’t aware of her until the ‘90s. Grace features probably one of my fave ever models in almost all her music clips, HERSELF! Grace Jones don’t need no models because she can get pop culture icons to appear in her video’s because, well, she is one herself. “Oh hi there Andy Warhol.”


Grace my Queen, I am forever in your debt because you said, “Fuck you!” to the world and became famous along the way. Gushhhh.


Although many musicians are still featuring models in their video clips these days it rarely has the impact it once did when “high paid clothes horses” had the industry in their hands and could sell just about anything with a flutter of their lashes and a “come hither” sideways glance.


Supermodels of the ‘90s RESPECT! Now where did I put my wig and heels?

The Candy Shop #16

 I Could Have Had It All, Rolling In The Deep

by Nayt Housman

Since this month at It's My Kind Of Scene we’re counting down the 90s best bands and I’ve been reminiscing lately in The Candy Shop; this week I look back at the one and only sport I have ever participated in, outside school: roller skating. I’m not talking those modern, fan dangled, in-line, wannabe skates either; I’m talking quads.


When I was in year seven I began artistic roller skating lessons to learn how to twirl and hold my leg up elegantly all while rolling gracefully around the roller rink. I sucked, though I didn’t care because every Saturday morning I’d be skating with my friends and dancing/skating to some of my favourite songs of the time. Here are my favourite six.


1. Confide In Me - Kylie Minogue

Ok Kylie, now I believe you! I was never quite convinced if I liked you until this moment. I’d imagine I was each one of your sexy femme fatale characters in the clip as I was rolling. If only I’d been allowed to wear Mum's makeup and tights, things could have been very different…


2. Groove Is In The Heart - Deee Lite

What ever happened to Deee-Lite? This song was (I’m sorry I have to) deeeliteful! Also it was a perfect tempo for skating and grooving while skating and being delightful grooving skaters.

3. Mr Vain - Culture Beat 

I know what I want and I want it now. I wanna skate! And I get what I want coz I’m Mr Vain.


4. Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex

If it hadn’t have been for Cotton Eye Joe, I’d not have known what a redneck was. See? Learning can be fun, especially while skating!


5. Total Eclipse Of The Heart - Nicki French

I dedicate this song to a girl named Cecilia Hinchliffe who would lip-synch the lyrics to me as we whirled around the roller rink. Nicki French was no Bonnie Tyler but turning this song into a dance number was pure genius!


6.  Things That Make You Go Hmmm... - C + C Music Factory

To this day I’m proud to say I can still keep up with the “giveittome giveittome giveittome giveittome giveittome giveittome” part of this song and I’ve never met anyone who can match me (although I’ve never actually challenged anyone). Hmmmm… I wonder if it sounds even better when I do it on wheels? Who wants to come skating?


I love how whenever I hear one of these songs now, I’m immediately reverted to 12 years old, slightly pudgy and not quite gender distinguishable but possibly the happiest I ever was as a pre-teen, because when I was skating, I was a secret superhero and my power was being able to roll on built-in wheels while dancing.