The Candy Shop #22

'CRAPTASTICAL' Arrangements 

(Problems With My Musical Bowels)

by Nayt Housman

You know when you hear a song and at first you think wtf? But then you end up loving it? THAT is a craptastic song. Sometimes it will be one that simply lingers in your head all day even though it’s not something you’re really into, or one where the lyrics sound so naff you can’t imagine why they’d be used but then work their way into your daily vocabulary by word osmosis. They’re kind of like an infection of some kind, but an infection that leaves you better off than before…


Let the infecting begin.

Jack Jack Jackie 
by Joanne

Even though it’s not her song originally, Joanne surely made this one her own and it didn’t matter how bad her dancing was or really how bad the song was in general, it’s just one of the most catchy and infectious songs. The reason I’ll never escape it is randomly live brings a ‘Jack’ or ‘Jackie’ into my life and BAM, it’s in my head again… DAMN YOU JACK OR JACKIE!

Lola 
by The Kinks  

I’m going to be lynched by some for this but rhyming Lola and cherry cola = craptastic. Sometimes I wonder how such “crackers the clown” lyrics can work so well in a song and really who am I to argue? LA LA LA LA LOLA!

Robert De Niro’s Waiting 
by Bananarama

Bananarama are possibly one of the most craptastic bands of the 80’s with so many kitsch songs infecting our brains and getting lodged somewhere in our memory stores, never to be erased. Why is Robert De Niro waiting? Should I actually listen to the lyrics in each verse to find out? Too much effort… I’ll just sing along with the chorus.

Babooska 
by Kate Bush

Kate Bush is truly a music pioneer for the bizarre and quirky. Her most intriguing and alluring talent would have to be, not her singing, but rather her dancing. She twitches and glides, somehow turning her body into some kind of hypnotic idol. People have worshipped her for many years and will continue to do so as long as her hypnotic hips continue to be seen.

Hooting And Howling 
by Wild Beasts

When I first heard this song I was addicted! Singing like Liza Minelli with lyrics like “courting him in fisty-cuffing waltz” and “any rival who goes for our girls, will be left in thumb sucking terror” I knew they didn’t care about the “cool” factor of rock and were really just making some of the best story telling music I think I’ve ever heard but with more kitsch and kink than I could have ever imagined. CRAPTASTIGASM!

Zombie 
by The Cranberries

(Yes I did feature this in our 90s count down already, don’t judge) Zombie heads! That’s a sure fire way of piquing the interest of a 12yo boy. I LOVE ZOMBIES! I never actually knew this song was an anti war song referring to the IRA bombing in Cheshire. I just thought they were singing about bombing and killing zombies. Either way it works for me, and I think I drove my family nuts repeatedly singing “ZOHHHMBEH ZOHHHHMBEH-EH-EEEEH-EH-EEEEH-EH OHHH-OH-OHHH-OH!”

It’s Oh So Quiet 
by Bjork

I really do miss “Pop Bjork”, such amazing unhinged music sensibilities… Does that make sense? No? Good. Bjork often makes no sense but I can’t help but adore her. When I first heard It’s Oh So Quiet I effing hated it. Like HATED it, until I developed an overwhelming crush on a guy (I can’t even remember who anymore) and then it all made so much sense. An addiction was developed, and my love for Craptastic music evolved and took over. Bjork I blame you! Bjork I love you and thank you.


Of course there are so many Craptastic songs out there that have infected peoples brains since the inception of popular music so this is just a small sampler of my addiction. What’s your most Craptastic song? Who’s your most Craptastic band? Do you even succumb to the craptasticness of craptasticism? Are you a Craptasticite?