A to Z of the 80s - U is for That Time 'Featuring' Just Meant Singing

And The Greatest Feature Of Them All

by Jo Michelmore

There's a thing about the 80s that sadly seems to have been forgotten in more recent times. It's because every second song on the radio at the moment seems to be a song featuring someone else. I mean seriously, does everyone have to sing with everyone else? Gone are the days fans got excited about their two favourite superstars singing together, or even better, someone vs someone else, now almost everyone seems to be featuring everyone else in a desperate bid for sales. It's either A) two incredibly average pop stars singing together

or B) one of our favourite pop stars and someone we've never heard of before. Or even better, option C) two people we've never heard of who suddenly feature each other. How does that work? In the 80s,  things were a little different. Artists kept to themselves for the most part, and when they did sing together, they just sang together. None of this 'featuring' malarkey to promote some up and coming 'career' (read: 15 minutes of spotify fame). You know what they did in the 80s? Stuck 'and' in between two artists names and bam, you had yourself a duet.

Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes featured each other in 82 on 'Up Where We Belong'. Please note Joe's effort to dress up and the audience member with her back to the stage at 1:07. Turn around lady! They're behind you!

Even better, they didn't do things by halves in the 80s. Imagine the fights to 'headline' rather than 'feature' if this song was recorded now. 44(!) artists made up USA For Africa and Michael Jackson refused to even be in the studio at the same time. It'd be like Jay-Z's long forgotten star studded Tidal launch without Jay-Z showing up (which he probably shouldn't have bothered to anyway...but that's another post). Please note poor old Kim Carnes, who at 2:59 got only two words to herself, while Cyndi desperately tried to control herself in the background. I'll always love you Cyndi.

Which brings us to one of my all time favourite duets, which could never ever have been a 'featuring' track, because, oh I'm not even going to explain. David Bowie. Queen. You figure it out. Or go listen to Wiz featuring Poo-th or Poo-th featuring Wiz featuring Trainor featuring Legend featuring Bieber featuring Skrillex featuring Lunchmoney and everyone else we've never heard of that wants to get in on the featuring and leave me to my superstar 80s moment alone. Please note everything from 2:37 onward, featuring two of the greatest musicians, ever. And that's how I like to use the word featuring. End.

A to Z of the 80s - Q is for Questions

And Answers

by Jo Michelmore

The greatest question about the 80s isn't whatever happened to Toni Basil, because no one really cares and I'm sure Mickey wasn't actually that fine, but what was the greatest question posed in the 80s? A few years perspective, and I think I can answer a few, but there's one particular one I wish I could have answered in person.

In 84, Tina Turner was asking about love. If she was referring to whatever happened to her career, I'd say it was a lack of management that failed her. After all, didn't a new Mad Max film just get released? Second rate DJ remix of one of her biggest hits? Hello?

In the same year, The Clash weren't sure if they were here or there, and to be honest, I'm still not sure either.

In the late 80s The Pixies asked 'Where Is My Mind?' and I'd say judging by the expanding waistline of  Black Francis and/or his alter ego Frank Black in the 90s, it was probably somewhere in the kitchen. Or at an all you can eat dine in Pizza Hut. 

The Eurythmics asked a question in 83 which wasn't answered but asked again in 87.... 

But don't worry Ms Lennox, we all still know you asked it better than Madonna. The most important question of all the 80s wasn't even a question, it was more just a sound, but it was a sound that deserved a response and if I had a time machine, I'd hop in it and jump straight back to 13 July 1985 and answer that question myself, along with 72,000 other people, exactly like they did; "aaaaaah oh...."

Oh Freddie, you and Queen were fabulous. And here's one more question; why did you have to go? RIP.

Stop, Collaborate and Listen #10 - 6

#20 - 16

#15 - 11

10. UNDER PRESSURE

by David Bowie and Annie Lennox

Well, obviously the original version of this song has got power and punch. But it’s this version played live after Freddie’s passing that gets my heart up in my throat. It was performed at the Freddie Mercury Tribute Concert in 1992. Two of my favourite artists – David Bowie and Annie Lennox - shoot this song straight into the eye of grief and find a new power for life behind it. It’s almost a guaranteed play on nights when I have friends over for a drink and a music/youtube playlist night. There is something so wonderfully dramatic yet uplifting in this rendition that tributes the artist that Freddie was and the ability to write such a killer song. I love that this song in this live version has a male and female counterpart. And I love that the two artists that make this combination have never been a stereotype for their gender – or for their art for that matter. The grace and style that both Lennox and Bowie bring to this mammoth concert and backed by the surviving members of Queen before adoring fans to me is a moment in rock history that stands in my books as golden. And the addition of some theatrical makeup and costuming, well, it’s a winner in my books. (Lou Endicott)

9. UNDER PRESSURE 

by Queen and David Bowie

If you want me to be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to writing this review. When you have a love of music and certain artists are almost like the definition of said love, then how do you possibly put into words what one of your all-time favourite songs could mean? Maybe I should start with the concept of the duet.

So we wanna talk about duets? This is where things get real, because for me, when the idea of a duets countdown was mentioned, there was always this one song that absolutely, no doubt at all makes the top of my duets list. Take two of my all-time favourite artists, and I mean, not just favourite as in “oh I just love that new Nicki Minaj track so much right now” but as in, outright, all time, idols of music. If I was an actual musician, these two would be some of the many I would quote when people asked me where I get my inspiration from.  So you take David Bowie (no explanation of awesome talent needed), take Queen (no explanation of awesome talent needed), you stick them together in a studio in Switzerland in the early 80s and what you end up with, is, in my humble opinion, is one of the greatest rock(?)-slash-pop(?) songs ever written. That bass line is undeniable, immediately recognisable, the simple keys infectious but for me it’s the vocals of Bowie and Mercury that make a maybe, possibly forgettable hit such an incredible masterpiece.

It’s probably the memories this song holds for me, the emotions it evokes after being part of my life for so long, the amount of times I’ve listened to it are countless, but sometimes I get angry with myself for not being able to articulate exactly what a song means to me. This is one of those times when there’s nothing I could write that can actually describe the journey this song takes me on with every single listen and there are no words to exactly describe what it feels like to hear those two incredible voices at that crescendo. It’s when music makes my heart leap out of my body and it’s probably precisely the feeling that Queen and David Bowie were trying to describe when they wrote some of my favourite lyrics of all time...

Love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure

(Jo Michelmore)

8. BROKEN
by Seether and Amy Lee

Most of the time I’m shiny, happy Katie who has a love for music which is quirky and a bit silly. But buried deep down beats the heart of a mopey little goth who loves nothing more than a song which will get my mascara running. There’s no point in me trying to hide it or be embarrassed – I’m owning this one. So when you put together two mopey little goth singers to sing a song about being mopey little goths, well shit, of course I’m going to like it.


I really do have a soft spot for Shaun Morgan’s vocals. There’s something about his brooding, raspy voice that does something to me (that something does also include giving him a big hug and a lollipop). The contrast between his and her vocals is what makes the song for me. Whilst lyrically there’s no escaping the fact that it’s a crying in your cornflakes kind of deal, his doom and gloom is offset against something more hopeful in Amy Lee’s sound. In any event, whatever hope ole Amy was trying to give just wasn’t enough, because much like the song their real life relationship was broken. Badoom-tish. (Katie Langley)

7.  WALK THIS WAY
by Run DMC & Aerosmith

I’m disappointed this song didn’t rank higher in our count down. I mean, Aerosmith, Run DMC – what’s not to love? It marks one of the first rock/rap collaborations. Sure, Limp Bizkit went on to bastardize the whole thing (nu-metal, yewwww!). But we shan’t speak of that now.


Aerosmith originally released ‘Walk This Way’ in the mid-70s, but it wasn’t until Run DMC re-visited and re-arranged the track with Steven Tyler in the 80s that it became a success. This version of the song actually charted higher than the original. Let’s face it; it’s better.


The film clips features both groups in a music battle of sorts, before they bust through the dividing wall and jam out together. It’s so symbolic, man. Here’s a fun fact though, Run DMC couldn’t afford to pay for the whole of Aerosmith to appear in the clip, so the only real members are Steven Tyler and Joe Perry – the other dudes are actors. (Katie Langley)

 

6. THIS MESS WE'RE IN

by PJ Harvey and Thom Yorke
 

Some time in about 2001 my radio alarm went off and while this was no unusual occurrence I usually wouldn’t wake rapidly. However this one morning I awoke more suddenly to something more aurally pleasurable than I had heard in quite some time. It was the familiarly atmospheric tones of Thom Yorke but there was another voice, another I hadn’t yet bonded with, another that like Thom’s stirred something primal within me. This was to be the introduction that spurred a musical love I still carry over a decade later and one that has moved me more than almost any other. It was this pairing of Thom Yorke and PJ Harvey that sent me on the music driven path I continue to the day.


‘This Mess We’re In’, breathes the lust and desire of a fleeting relationship, draped in the drama that a city like New York has inspired for decades before and decades to come. It conjures imagery both radiant and submerged in shadows. A love story that feels more bitter and mournful than its words suggest. PJ and Thom both feel so effortless with their vocals gently writhing and prickling like a soft, sensual touch over the pulsing rise and fall of minimalist guitar. It is this minimalist approach which gives ‘This Mess We’re In’ a power that mesmerises and unbuttons my outer layers, revealing a certain masochistic desire to wallow in my own heartbreak. (Nayt Housman)

The Medicine Cabinet #13

Music Is My Medicine

by Nayt Housman

Music is my medicine. Is it yours? I ask the public six golden questions to find out if and how they use music to feed the soul.

 Kerrie by Nayt Housman

Tonight in the clinic I saw to the needs of a very close friend. Kerrie, 56, who was once a feisty and sassy antique dealer and says being the best person she can, using only what’s needed and loving her lot is her life passion. That’s when she isn’t travelling or throwing shade at the neighbourhood villains.

Who flicks your switch and turns up the volume?

Kerrie: It’s so diverse (my music) it could be anything from listening to Neil Finn singing ‘Better Be Home Soon’ (it really makes me nostalgic about my estranged son)...

...and then I’ll flip over the other side to Freddie Mercury singing, Queens ‘We Are The Champions’

('cause I think I kicked my recent cancer to the curb and I won). Then I might even go into something like my 80s music like Grace Jones, Sade, Soft Cell you know I could keep going on and on and on. You know I just did my housework last week to the 1998 Gay And Lesbian Mardi Gras soundtrack, there were some wonderful songs.

Why are they the pills that cure your ills?

Kerrie: I think what happens to me when I listen to music is I associate with the lyrics. If there’s something that’s making me feel nostalgic, sad or you know just morose, it’s the words that get me, but then there’s other songs where it’s the actual driving music for going on a road trip, so it could be I don’t know, the M People, something really beaty. I love a good dance, I’m the best dancer in my own disco, sometimes I’ll just put on music and for exercise, do 45 minutes of the most ridiculous dancing you will ever see in your life, but to me it’s fun.

What kind of high does it give you?

Kerrie: There’s nothing like a good tune and it can get you up there that you ARE that rock star on the stage. You know what I mean? If it’s a really good anthem you ARE Madonna, you become Freddie. I’M MADGE! “Hollidaaaaaay! Celebraaaaaate!” It transforms me from Kerrie into Freddie Mercury singing, “We are the champions, no time for loserrrrrrrs, 'cause we are the champions, my friend!” that’s a real winning song (laughs).

When do you find yourself craving musical relief?

Kerrie: Sitting back on a far off tropical island sipping on their local brew but having to listen to their local music. That’s when you want your own music to listen to, that’s why I always travel with a little Walkman.

 

Where does music take you?

Kerrie: It just takes me to my peaceful place where it will make me happy or make me sad. I mostly listen to it at home in my own lounge room or in the back yard, while on my computer or while I’m driving. It takes me to a place where the only thing that matters is that song or that music at the time, everything else has gone out the window, bar what I’m listening to. Goreki by Lamb is one of those ones that take me to another place. I don’t have any idea what the song is originally about but the tears just roll down my face.


 How do you share your music love?


Kerrie: Well when I worked in retail I stood there and sang so everyone could listen to it. If I have anything new to share I’ll share it but these days it’s usually other people sharing it with me. When I entertain I like to have nice music on so other people can hear. It’s very nostalgic for people to come to my place and pick my music.


“It transforms me.” Is there a better way to describe the effect of music? Through lyrics, melody, beat, tone and emotion music can make us whoever we want to be and transport us to other timeframes in our lives. It’s magical in its power and no one regardless of their apparent fortitude is immune to the effects of music.


I shall dub this 'The Houdini Effect'. Is it all an illusion or is it just tapping into secret unopened chambers within our personalities? How does music gain direct contact with our feely bits on the inside and how does is make our bodies respond with movement almost involuntarily? Whatever the answer I love it’s magic and I want it in me, for better or worse, ‘til death do us part.


Doctor Nayt’s prescription this week is to let go of all the things in life you can’t control, do what you love and as Kerrie says; “just be happy with your lot" because no matter who you are, where you live, what stage of life you are in, where you work etc. there is always music and music transforms you like magic.

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Happy Birthday Freddie!

I'd say this was taken at one of Freddie's birthday parties, but who's to say? He could have worn that to the supermarket
...he was Freddie Mercury, after all.

Oh Freddie, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

by Jo Michelmore

It might have been K-Tizz's birthday this week, but it was also someone else's. There's probably been thousands (millions? billions?) of people having birthdays this week, but I'm no statistician so let's just say there's two important birthdays this week. Both of them people I adore. One? K-Tizz. Two? Freddie Mercury.


We all know the legend of Freddie and let's be honest, I kind of hope that if he was still alive today, he'd have a 67th birthday party involving very short people with bowls of powder on their heads wandering around offering their goods to all who attended. You can read into that story what you will, but it's one of rocks greatest.


You know I love him. I mentioned him a couple of weeks ago over on Where Is My Mind? but maybe you don't know just how much I love him...Freddie, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

Number One - Killer Queen

There is no way I could possibly not love a man who could successfully wear a fur coat like that. Look, I've been vegetarian for a long time now, but seriously, that coat? Whatever that animal was, it would have died happy if it knew it was going to be swung around the shoulders of a man who managed to include references to Marie Antoinette, Moet et Chandon,  Kruschev, Kennedy, caviar and cigarettes all in one song. I haven't even mentioned gunpowder and gelatine. Freddie, you glorious wordsmith you.

Number Two - Radio Gaga

Radio Gaga. Lady Gaga. See what's happening there? Yes, this is the song that inspired the name of your favourite Stefani. This is why she called herself Lady Gaga as opposed to Lady Stefani Germanotta which doesn't quite have the same ring, does it? Some of the lyrics even describe some of Lady Gaga's delicious vacuous pop:


"All we hear is radio ga ga, radio blah blah, radio, what's new?"


It may also contain some lyrics that may possibly sum up a large portion of my own teenage years perfectly:


"I'd sit alone and watch your light, my only friend through teenage nights
And everything I had to know, I heard it on my radio"

 

Number Three - Don't Stop Me Now

Not only is this song probably in my top three Queen songs with it's incredible keys and harmonies, it also references rocket ships on the way to Mars, tigers defeating the laws of gravity, racing cars, Lady Godiva and sex machines about to explode. Is there anything not to love here? You're going to have to explain to me if there is, because I think this song is A-MAY-ZING.

Number Four - Under Pressure

So you just need to know this song features Freddie Mercury AND David Bowie. Both of them. At once.


David. Bowie.


Freddie. Mercury.


What? Don't get it? Want me to say it again?


David. Bowie.


Freddie. Mercury.


Well, skip through to 2:43. Go on, do it. Now tell me you don't get the goose bumps at Freddie begging; "why can't we give love one more chance?" then hear the crescendo with David pleading; "this is our last dance, this is our selves..." Music isn't always this good. Not convinced? Well, that song you probably know the first couple of lines to (regardless of your age or gender) that song 'Ice Ice Baby'? You know it; "stop collaborate and listen". It sampled this song. So there. See? Best song ever (maybe).

Number Five - Fat Bottomed Girls

I may or may not have an impressive derriere. I may or may not make the rockin’ world go round.

Number Six - Somebody To Love

Because there's nothing more simple than this.


"Can anybody find me somebody to love?"


 Happy Birthday Freddie and thanks. You were, you still are, the best.

The Candy Shop #18

These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You...

So Always Wear A Helmet

by Nayt Housman

So Monday morning was most like any other morning except for two things, my lover was away and when I was getting ready to ride to work on my bicycle, I happened to put on different boots than usual.


I love riding to work, especially early in the morning because there’s little traffic on the road and it’s blissfully quiet. I usually feel powerful and free!

But in the back of my mind I’m always worried that someone will knock me off my bike and well, it happened. Like a slow motion movie a guy pulling out of a side street hit my back wheel propelling my into the bitumen. I’m broken but someday soon, I’ll be put back together…

Then after my hospital trip and all the “hoo-haa” that goes with it I was released but had to go back to work to get my belongings. When I walked in, they’d all been talking about the boy who got into an accident and couldn’t come to work… It was I...

Then I was left alone to recover at home by myself. No one to look after me… Eventually my lover came home from his trip; the first words from his mouth were “What’s for dinner? We have sexy times?” then with no regard for my welfare he “accidently” kept bumping into my injuries. How cold, how insensitive…

If only I’d worn my regular boots maybe this mess would never have happened?

*All mentioned events actually happened except for the whole insensitive lover remarks. No T no shade.

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - My Favourite and Most Important Thing

My Favourite and Most Important Thing

by Jo Michelmore

When I think about it, it all comes back to one person, really. When I think about the things I love now, they all come back to one. When I think about my obsession with live music, it's because of what one person taught me. When I think about writing on this blog, while a bunch of amazing people are involved, it's probably the influence of one who got me here in the first place. That person? My Dad.


I can remember being a little girl, sitting on the lounge room floor, surrounded by these magical things I didn't understand, but instinctively knew I loved. They were big for my tiny hands, they were big pictures and lots of words and if I was lucky, there was a booklet inside. They were full of "don't scratch!" and "be careful!" The records, the LPs, they fascinated me. We didn't play them much because the delivery of music had changed, but the reverence of their importance remained.


Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Elvis Presley, Fleetwood Mac, the BeeGees, the hits of the 70s, the hits of the 80s, they were all there. My favourite? An octagonal case with the faces of five men on the front. How was I to know of the importance of the sounds on those magical black circles? 'Paint It Black', 'Ruby Tuesday', 'Let's Spend The Night Together' - The Rolling Stones were one of your favourites and in turn, remain one of mine. The bluesy rock they produced led me to some of my favourite artists of today; The Black Keys, Jack White, Band Of Skulls, Gin Wigmore, they were all influenced by you.

I can remember being a little girl, slightly out of place but incredibly comfortable and always welcome, wandering around the garage watching you working on the cars you loved while you sang along to the Kings and Queens of soul and r'n'b, the irresistible grooves of Motown blaring from the radio in the corner. The Temptations, The Supremes, The Jacksons and the one who was to eventually become probably my favourite; Stevie Wonder. How was I to know those melodies, the harmonies, those incredible bass lines were to influence the music I love to dance and sing along to today? The Justin Timberlakes, the Beyonces, the Alicia Keys, the Frank Oceans... even the M.I.A's and the Amy Winehouses, all of the love for them began in that garage all those years ago.

I remember driving long drives, the whole family in the car. I would always take the back seat behind the front passenger, which was always Mum. That seat was my favourite, because it wasn't the middle (let's face it, who wants to sit between two older brothers?) but from there I could see what was happening on the radio in the front. I would sing along to the songs and watch you tapping the steering wheel as you drove, listening to all sorts of things along the way. I remember the anthems of Queen, that amazing vocal of Freddie Mercury and the journeys those epic songs would take us on as we were on our own road trips. That love for Queen continues today and encouraged my love for so many others: the Foo Fighters, Radiohead, even the soaring vocal of Florence + The Machine - all of them influenced by that awesome band we both love - Queen.

I can remember the time I heard it first, but there aren't many words to explain this one, sometimes music says it all. That band you adore that have influenced and meant so much to so many. I remember the words, the knowing smile, the nod and I think of you every time I hear it.

I remember all of this and when I think of it, my life soundtrack has been influenced by so many, but one more than most. You gave me so many musical memories and in turn have always been interested in where I have taken them, always asking me what I'm listening to or what gig I'm going to next. You gave me a soundtrack I love and what you gave was to me, more important than anything else in the world. You gave me a best friend and that friend is music. The reverence and respect you show for it showed me just how important it is...and the love you taught me to have for it will never be lost, much the same as my love and respect for you.


Happy Father's Day Dad and thank you; for you, for everything and for introducing me to my best friend, my favourite and most important thing in the world to me...music.

Where Is My Mind? - Call Me Crazy...

 Call me crazy but...that Madonna? She crazy and she old!

Call Me Crazy, But...

by Jo Michelmore

The other day, while waiting for my usual morning coffee, my friend and I spotted a chalkboard outside a store nearby which was both intriguing and hilarious. The chalkboard had this written on it:


"Fun Fact! Every year 3000 people die from hippo attacks and only 6 die from shark attacks."


This was intriguing, because let's face it, that is an interesting fact, but would one call it fun? I don't think so. That's not fun at all. This was hilarious because my friend has this habit of coming up with (sometimes) interesting facts and presenting them with the sentence "FUN FACT!" first. Sometimes he even raises his index finger in excitement at said fun facts. I know I'm in for a treat when he does that. I'm probably going to learn something about the human digestive system or something not politically correct, but either way, I love his 'fun facts' and I like his 'unique' saying.


I have another friend who likes to present interesting facts as well, but his catchphrase is "did you know?" He is also known for another phrase I love, which is sometimes used in combination with his "did you know?" and that sentence is "DON'T BE STUPID" which is always said in a charmingly insulting way. I like his 'unique' sayings.


I have another friend who likes to say "fiddly diddly dee" followed by various obscenities I'm not going to mention on this blog. They may not be g-rated, but whenever they're said hilarity ensues. I like his 'unique' sayings.


This brings me to one of my own sayings, which is "call me crazy but...." followed by whatever I want, it's my phrase, goddamn it.


Most people I know respond with "ok, crazy" because everyone I know is a comedian, which brings me to where my mind is this week. Last week we left off on 'Crazy Kids' by Ke$ha and will.i.am, so that made me think about all the other songs I love about being a whole lot of crazy, like

It may not be my very favourite Queen song ever, but there's no way I wasn't going to include it in a list of crazy songs. In fact,it's Freddie Mercury's birthday in a couple of weeks, so you're going to be treated to reading about my adoration of him soon. Let me warn you, there's a lot of adoration. Call me crazy but I love that moustached Freddie guy....

It may not be my very favourite Madonna song either, but I have a did you know to say about Madonna so I had to include it. Are you ready? 'Did you know' Madonna is 54 years old? That's virtually 60! Madonna is like, 60 years old! She old. She real old. Maybe that should have been a fun fact. Oh whatever, they're not my sayings and either way, call me crazy, but I still love that crazy old Madonna woman...

This one could be my very favourite Patsy Cline song ever, but that's maybe because I don't know many of them. It is probably my favourite crazy song though. How can any get better that this? Are you crazy? This is the ultimate in crazy and country heartbreak and sometimes, every now and then, when I'm feeling a little crazy, I like to break this one out at karaoke. Yes I do. Call me crazy, but I have a (not so) secret love of country heartbreak and that means Ms Cline, of course....

This may not be my very favourite Gnarls Barkley song ever...no wait, I don't have a very favourite Gnarls Barkley song, probably because Gnarls Barkley involves that Cee Lo Green guy and well, I'm not the biggest fan of his. I hate it when this happens. I don't like liking a song when I don't like really like the artist so much. Call me crazy but that drives me crazy...! 

This may be my very favourite Beyonce song but it's not my favourite Jay-Z song, so that's confusing, isn't it? Goddamn, it's just so goddamn catchy. The clip has always annoyed me though, I just want to tell her to get up and stop rolling around the floor. Call me crazy, but there's a whole lot of bacteria on floors that are left there from people's awful, awful feet and everyone knows my irrational fear of feet, don't they? Oh, that's a whole other kind of crazy. Call me crazy, but you probably don't need to know about that part of crazy me....

Call me crazy, but where will my mind lead you next time? Well, that's an interesting question isn't it? You'll have to wait and see.
 

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Close Encounters Of The First Kind

 Things to do on a first lego date: remove one's helmet.

 

Close Encounters Of The First Kind

by Jo Michelmore

Boys and girls, remember when we spoke about my friend Edith, her milkshakes and some afternoon delights? Well, I had the pleasure of catching up with Edith recently and as always, bless her, Edith had another dating disaster story to tell me.

Having lived through the horror of Chad and Matchbox 20, Edith met up with another guy, this time a friend of a friend through the least offensive form of introduction, facebook. Not a dating website, no, she met this guy, let's call him Ron, through facebook. Their first conversation, via the wonders of private messaging, didn't quite go as Edith had planned. She began with a simple question;

"How about a coffee?" to which Ron replied;

"Why aren't there any photos of you in a bikini on facebook?" to which Edith was a little shocked and replied

"LOL", to which Ron replied

"Are you sexual?" Interesting question. Edith responded again in shock, in the simplest and quickest way she knew;

"LOL"

Which might have been a turn off for some, but not Ron. Ron had been facebook stalking Edith for at least a minute by now and he let her know in the strangest way possible, by saying he wanted to do 'something' on Edith's 'somethings'...(you fill in the blanks) followed by various one sentence messages declaring his love for her beauty (and clealrly his own). Edith did not respond, this was facebook after all, not a random hook up app on her phone! The conversation 'climaxed' at Ron saying;

"Yes yes yes" and then, half hour later, one last private message;

"Did you fall asleep on me?"

No Ron, Edith did not. What Edith was doing was hiding in the corner of her lounge, hoping you'd delete yourself from her friend list and pretend this never happened. It got me thinking, you know, there's certain things you just don't want to say on a first encounter, especially if you intend on starting a relationship, rather than just hooking up. Amongst those things are lyrics from some songs from the past, like...


"Mama, just killed a man..."

 

Yes, Freddie and your Queen friends, that's probably not something you'd want to admit on a first date, let alone a first conversation.


"Let's go down on the sand, let's do what we wanna do, let me be a man for you"

 

Mondo Rock, there's nothing sexy about that sentence. No one actually likes doing anything on sand, no matter what they say. It's gritty and itchy and horrible. You say that on a first conversation and there will be no second conversation. Creepy.


"I watch you when you are sleeping, you belong to me"

 

Look, I love this Bangles song at karaoke as much as the next guy, or girl for that matter, but stalker much? Do not admit watching someone sleeping at any stage of a relationship, let alone the first date. That's creepy. Let's not even mention the thought of anything burning....

 

"Don't touch what you can't grab, end up with two backhands, put anthrax on a tampax, and slap you till you can't stand"

Eminem, ever the charmer, wrote one of my friends favourite lyrics of all time, but possibly something they may not wish to hear on a first encounter. 

"I'd rather be, I'd rather be, I'd rather be....with an animal"

 

There's plenty of things I'd listen to Eddie Vedder (and some of his Pearl Jam bandmates) say and a lot of things I'd probably accept on a first date, but I'd rather be with an animal is not one of those things.


*Just so you know, Ron deleted Edith as friend from facebook the next day. This, of course meant Edith had enough time to screen capture their conversation and warn all friends, family and associates that Ron is a creep. Ron, you're a creep. 

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Dear Valentine's Day

Well, maybe it's true, but I don't require it acknowledged on stuffed bear, thank you.

A Love Letter To Valentine's Day

by Jo Michelmore

Dear Valentine's Day,

Oh what a long and confusing relationship we've had. I'm sorry, but it's not me, it's you. No, wait, it's not you, it's me. I loved you once, but how things change. Do you remember when we first met? Do you remember how things were? I was so young, so innocent, you delivered a card to me and I was so excited. It was all things fun and cute and the first Valentine I'd ever received. I read it over and over again; I kept it in a drawer beside my bed. How innocent I was.

"This thing, called love, I just can't handle it,
This thing, called love, I must get around to it"

Crazy Little Thing Called Love (1980)

by Queen

 

Things changed as we grew up. Valentine's Day after Valentine's Day went by and you began to ignore me. Whatever had I done wrong? Was it me? Was it you? Nothing, you gave me nothing, but somehow I kept hanging on just waiting. I knew you'd eventually come to your senses. Flowers and balloons and chocolates, I knew one day they'd all be mine.

"Don't you want me baby? 

Don't you want me now?"

Don't You Want Me (1981)

by The Human League

 

I don't remember when I started to actually wonder if we'd ever be together again. It wasn't when you started seeing other people, but it was when you started flaunting it, throwing it my face. Flowers for that mean girl next door, flowers for that ugly girl upstairs, balloons for that cute boy that made my coffee in the morning. Why? Why Valentine's? What had I ever done to you?

"Somtimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure"

All By Myself (1996)
by Celine Dion

 

Well, you know what? I picked myself up Valentine's Day. I worked out I didn't need you. I was better than you and anything you could offer. I worked out how to live without you. You, Valentine's, you couldn't keep me down. I knew who you were and I was happy to face you. You come around once a year and I ignore you everytime. I laugh in your face. I'm more woman than you could ever cope with.

"You thought that I'd be sad without you,

I laugh harder"

Survivor (2001)

by Destiny's Child

 

Now, VD, you mean nothing to me. I barely know you. You mean less than nothing. You're a footnote in a long, long fabulous book. No chocolate? Whatevs. No flowers? Why would I want a dead plant anyway? Yep, it's fine. Actually, you keep doing your thing, I'll keep doing mine. You can have all those fools that love you. They're not my kind of peeps anyway. In fact, let's not even facebook friend. Nope. Nothing.

"Do you have an opinion?
A mind of your own?
I thought you were special
I thought you should know"

Special (1998)

by Garbage

 

Except, you and I both know that's not completely true, is it? No matter how realistic I am, there's always that tiny little girl, waiting, hoping, maybe just maybe, once, you'll be back, someday. I'd take you back Valentine's. Just for a minute. I would of course be mortified and embarrassed and horrified, but if it happened, you know I'd let you walk right back in that door.

Then you know what I'd do? I'd slam that door in the back of your head and say;

"V Day? Thanks. Thanks. For. Nothing. Jerk."

"Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter"

Fighter (2006)
by Christina Aguilera

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - More Mo, Mo, Mo

Who doesn't love a vintage moustache?

More Mo, Mo, Mo

by Jo Michelmore

Since Katie started us off this week, let’s continue the theme, vintage style. Some people love them, some people hate them. Some people think they’re creepy; some people love the fact that they’re creepy. Some people can hold their own with one; some people look like something crawled out of their mouth and took up residence just below their nose. Some people grow them once a year for a charity event and some people actually raise money for said charity, which is nice. Some people like them right now because it seems to be a thing, a trend, a fashion one might say, some people like them right now because they always have, since the first time they were in, which was….sometime, I’m sure. Me? Take it or leave it, really, depends on the person sporting it, doesn’t it? I probably prefer one in conjunction with other facial hair, as in, not a lone outcrop of hair on ones lip, but as part of a forest of hair around one’s chin and cheeks and other parts of one’s face. Of course, it’s the moustache we speak of and many a musician has sported a moustache, some good, some not so good. Let’s start with…

Ace Of Spades

by Motorhead, 1980

Lemmy, king of metal to so many. Lemmy, King of facial hair to so many others. I dare not say anything bad about Lemmy, people love him and the people who love him REALLY love him and his moustache. I wouldn’t dare offend them, or him. That, and I just wanted an excuse to post the Ace Of Spades. Don’t tell me you haven’t found the opportunity to scream “THE ACE OF SPADES, THE ACE OF SPADES” at someone once in your life? No? Shame. You should work on that. Work on your moustache too. It’s probably not anywhere near as manly as Lemmy’s, who sports what I think is one of the man-liest moustaches in music. Whether that’s a good thing or not is up to you.

When Doves Cry

by Prince, 1984

I’m not going to say I don’t like Prince, because I do. I think he’s an incredibly talented man, with music, but one talent he doesn’t have? The ability to grow facial hair. You’re a funny little guy, aren’t you Prince? On one hand, such a musician, on the other, such a creep. That strange little line above your lip, it took until 1:57 in this clip to even tell if that was a moustache and not just the casting of shadow from your nose. “Dig if you will the picture, of you and I engaged in a kiss, the sweat of your body covers me, can you my darling, can you picture this?” No, Prince, no! I can’t picture that because it’s horrible and weird and creepy, like that thing on your face. Stop it.

I Want To Break Free

 by Freddie Mercury's Mo/Queen, 1984

This is one of my favourite clips of all time*. (*Not an exaggeration) There is possibly nothing** I love more than a man, dressed in a leather skirt with one dirty great big moustache on his face, doing household chores. (**Possibly an exaggeration.) My favourite Queen clip? This one, obviously. It’s got one of my favourite openings for a clip, ever, then Freddie gets his shirt off and his leather pants and double belt on and his hairy chest out, then, just when I think it can’t get any better, the interpretative dancing kicks in. All of this and Freddie sports one of the most famous moustaches in rock history. Love.

Hello

 by Lionel Richie, 1984

I know, three moustaches from 1984? Perhaps this was the height of moustache-ism. Perhaps this was when the moustache was the hottest. Who knows? Lionel knows. Hello Lionel, hello Lionel’s moustache. You can’t have one without the other. When you think of Lionel Richie, what first comes to mind? I know, me too; “hello, is it me you’re looking for?” No, not really Lionel, I’m not looking for you. I am looking for your stylist though, because they really need a slapping. Someone should have told you by now. The mo has got to go.

Learn To Fly

by Foo Fighters, 1999

Dave Grohl has sported facial hair of all descriptions in his time. Full beard, part beard, goatee, part goatee, part moustache, nude face. Never was his facial hair more moustache-y than in this clip, which is classic Foo. There’s the midi version of the song at the start, Dave getting hot for…himself, straight men in drag, a funny little story to go with it all and some of the finest moustaches of the late 90’s. This is one of the reasons I unashamedly love Dave Grohl and his Foos.

TKO

 by Le Tigre, 2004

JD Samson, you have the best moustache any woman in music has ever sported.

Dani California 

by Red Hot Chili Peppers, 2006

I’m going to admit something here. There have been times when I have thought of Anthony Keidis as one of the sexiest men in music. Sometimes. Covered in silver paint in Give It Away, all pensive like in My Friends, some of your various sock incidents, even with the blonde hair and looking a little worn in Otherside; you’ve been a hot man at times Anthony, even with your long face. I’d have gone there. But the moustache? What? What are you doing with your life? I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. I don’t like it. I still like you, but that hairy upperlip has got to go or there’s no chance for us Anthony. I’m sorry.

Johnny Depp...

...anytime, ever.

So, he’s not technically a musician, but he does play instruments. So he’s probably not that good at them, but neither are you. What? It’s Johnny Depp ok, and he’s sported the hottest moustache ever known to humanity*** (***not an exaggeration, whatsoever, at all). Anyway, this is what I’m writing, if I want to include Johnny Depp, I will. You love it, deal with it. You don’t love it? You can stop reading now. You’re not welcome here. For those still reading, Johnny is friends with one of my favourite musicians, Eddie Vedder. This makes me happy. Sometimes they appear on stage together. This makes me happy. Sometimes, Johnny is sporting a moustache when he does this. Oh stop it. Life doesn’t get better than this. Enjoy.

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - We All Love The Clap

George Michael: Still going for the clap today... what?

WE ALL LOVE THE CLAP

by Jo Michelmore

Following on from the ‘whistling’ vintage post of last week, I was this week inspired by the delicious Ruby and the Rib Cage performing ‘The Clapping Song’, which reminded me of another feature in songs I’m a fan of: the clap. Everyone loves the clap, right? What is there not to love? You’re listening along pleasantly and then bam – surprise – clap! Sometimes double clap! Sometimes weird rhythmical clap! Sometimes solid beat keeping clap! I love being at a gig and listening to an audience try and keep time with the clap, or lose time, or never have time with the clap. I love participating in the clap. In honour of the clap, this week we look at some vintage songs featuring various types of claps.



The Supremes – Where Did Our Love Go, 1964

Ok, so there’s not a huge amount of clapping in this one, but it starts with clapping, so it seemed appropriate to start our collection with it and it was an excuse to feature The Supremes. 1960’s, this is true vintage and The Supremes first number one, although, it wasn’t the first time they’d clapped hands. Part of the legend of The Supremes involves them convincing Motown execs they could do background vocals and claps for other Motown artists like Marvin Gaye, in order to get themselves signed to the legendary label. Wow, without those handclaps where would music be today? Without Beyoncé? Without Rihanna? Without Christina? Unthinkable. Who knows?



Stealers Wheels - Stuck In The Middle With You, 1972

Who were Stealers Wheels anyway and who’d heard of them before Reservoir Dogs? Some people alive in the early ‘70’s I suppose. This one has some of my favourite type of clapping – the single clap followed by the double clap. Although the lyrics could apply to so many situations, I love the fact that it was apparently written by Gerry Rafferty and Joe Egan after a dinner at a restaurant where they were literally sat between record executives and producers doing business, hence the lyric; “….clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you”. No! Music industry execs being referred to as clowns and jokers? Surely not! That’s genius. Clap. Clap clap.


Queen and David Bowie - Under Pressure, 1982

Completely indulging here. Even though it was top ten in countless countries and supposedly performed at every single Queen concert between ‘82 and ‘86, this is not the best of either Queen or David Bowie’s back catalogues, but it was a total excuse to feature two of my favourite artists in one hit and it also features the clap as well as the click. Amazing combination talent there. Clap, click, clap, click, bass line. Genius. It’s also one of my favourite road trip songs as it features the scream out loud in the car with the windows up or down while drumming on the steering wheel lyric; “(deep breath) love's such an old fashioned word and (deep breath) love dares you to care for the people on the (deep breath) edge of the light and love dares you (deep breath) to change our way of caring about ourselves (deep breath) this is our last dance this is our last dance (deep breath) this is ourselves, under pressure…” and then it ends with the clap, click, clap, click. Yes, Bowie, yes Freddie, yes. Perfect.


George Michael - Faith, 1987

Faith. When I think of the late ‘80’s, this is one of the songs I think of. Such an iconic song at the time it was from George’s first solo record and the clip features some of the most distinctive images of the 1980’s; the jukebox, the blue stilettos, the blue ripped jeans, the leather jacket, the unshaven George. All of that and it’s got the clap. The song that is, not George. This one’s got a variation on my fave combination, the double clap followed by the single. So catchy. So cheesy. Love it.


Madonna - Like A Prayer, 1989

We couldn’t visit the late ‘80’s without mentioning Madonna. That’s just not possible. This song and clip were so controversial at the time, the lyrics with their sexual innuendo in combination with religious tones, the black Jesus in the clip, Madonna lounging around a church in a skimpy dress, ok, so it’s not weird or confronting now, but this was the 80’s. (Without Madonna doing this we’d never have had as much ass in clips as we do now. You should be thankful for this. ) The best part of all though, of course, is the gospel choir kicking in toward the end, clapping like there’s no tomorrow and Madonna in the clip, facing them, clapping along herself. This is 80’s awesome. 


OutKast - Hey Ya! 2003

I was reminded of this song a couple of weekends ago while participating in a little karaoke. There’s clapping all the way through this song. It’s catchy and I still love it, but at karaoke, instead of clapping, I slammed a tambourine into my leg for four minutes. My leg bruised, which taught me the important lesson; tambourines are good but clapping? Clapping rules. Got it? Itsmykindofscene – we love the clap. Er, what?