A to Z of the 80s - U is for That Time 'Featuring' Just Meant Singing

And The Greatest Feature Of Them All

by Jo Michelmore

There's a thing about the 80s that sadly seems to have been forgotten in more recent times. It's because every second song on the radio at the moment seems to be a song featuring someone else. I mean seriously, does everyone have to sing with everyone else? Gone are the days fans got excited about their two favourite superstars singing together, or even better, someone vs someone else, now almost everyone seems to be featuring everyone else in a desperate bid for sales. It's either A) two incredibly average pop stars singing together

or B) one of our favourite pop stars and someone we've never heard of before. Or even better, option C) two people we've never heard of who suddenly feature each other. How does that work? In the 80s,  things were a little different. Artists kept to themselves for the most part, and when they did sing together, they just sang together. None of this 'featuring' malarkey to promote some up and coming 'career' (read: 15 minutes of spotify fame). You know what they did in the 80s? Stuck 'and' in between two artists names and bam, you had yourself a duet.

Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes featured each other in 82 on 'Up Where We Belong'. Please note Joe's effort to dress up and the audience member with her back to the stage at 1:07. Turn around lady! They're behind you!

Even better, they didn't do things by halves in the 80s. Imagine the fights to 'headline' rather than 'feature' if this song was recorded now. 44(!) artists made up USA For Africa and Michael Jackson refused to even be in the studio at the same time. It'd be like Jay-Z's long forgotten star studded Tidal launch without Jay-Z showing up (which he probably shouldn't have bothered to anyway...but that's another post). Please note poor old Kim Carnes, who at 2:59 got only two words to herself, while Cyndi desperately tried to control herself in the background. I'll always love you Cyndi.

Which brings us to one of my all time favourite duets, which could never ever have been a 'featuring' track, because, oh I'm not even going to explain. David Bowie. Queen. You figure it out. Or go listen to Wiz featuring Poo-th or Poo-th featuring Wiz featuring Trainor featuring Legend featuring Bieber featuring Skrillex featuring Lunchmoney and everyone else we've never heard of that wants to get in on the featuring and leave me to my superstar 80s moment alone. Please note everything from 2:37 onward, featuring two of the greatest musicians, ever. And that's how I like to use the word featuring. End.

It's All Coming Back To Me Now - Milkshakes and Afternoon Delights

 John Mayer. Is there anything less sexy? Well, surprisngly it seems there could be....

Milkshakes and Afternoon Delights

by Jo Michelmore

Recently, a workmate, let's call her 'Edith' and I were having a conversation about her current state of single-dom. She's been looking for love, or at least a little bit of fun, hell, she just wants something to gossip about and although she's not come up with love, yet, she has had a bit of fun and we've definitley had a gossip and a giggle about her dates. My favourite of all her dating stories involves a guy; let's call him 'Chad', who she'd had a couple of dates with when he invited her back to his place. Chad was hot, Edith was interested, so she went. When Edith got to Chad's place, he made her a drink, things got hot and Chad suggested he'd put on a little music. All good so far. This is when Edith learnt that Chad was to fall into the 'little bit of fun' category as opposed to being a long term relationship. Chad's taste in music, that is, music to prepare oneself for intimate times with another was....Matchbox 20. At this point I'm going to stop my story, except to say that Edith is a better woman than I, a very polite girl for not laughing manically and running from Chad's house in tears of laughter or horror. Which brings me to today's topic. Music that's a turn off. Regular readers will know I talk about the soundtrack of life a lot, but there are some songs you do not want to play in the shuffle function of your ipod at certain times of your life. These may or may not include....

Afternoon Delight (1976)

by Starland Vocal Band

 

This is one of two songs in the world that makes me simutaneously laugh, cry and vomit a little bit. These are not things one should be doing when one is engaging in any form of delight.

Your Body Is A Wonderland (2002)

by John Mayer

'  

This is the other song.
"One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue"...laugh.
"One thing I've left to do, discover me, discovering you"...cry.
"Your body is a wonder, I'll use my hands, your body is a wonderland"....vomit.


 

You Can Leave Your Hat On (1976)

by Joe Cocker

 

Leave your hat on? How is that even meant to work? Any hat is a whole lot of getting in the way. Take it off. Immediatley.

Nookie (1999)

by Limp Bizkit

 

Is there anything less sexy than Fred Durst? Probably Fred Durst 'singing' the words "I did it all for the nookie....stick it up your....". No Fred, no.

Eye Of The Tiger (1982)

by Survivor

 

If your afternoon delight is anything like a) an eighties movie b) an eighties movie about boxing or c) an eighties movie about boxing featuring Sylvester Stallone; I'm so sorry. You're doing it wrong.

Milkshakes (2003)

by Kelis

 

If you are woman sleeping with another woman, 'milkshakes' takes on a whole other meaning. If you are a woman, sleeping with a man, you shouldn't want him referring to any of your anatomy as 'milkshakes'. If you are a man, sleeping with another man and you're thinking 'milkshakes' refers to a milky beverage drunk with a straw from a receptacle; I'm so sorry. You're doing it wrong.

Werewolves Of London (1977)

by Warren Zevon

 

Unless you're into incredibly hairy partners, werewolves are not a turn on. Neither is the chorus "aaaaaaaaahhhhh oooooooohhhhhh...."

That's Not My Name (2008)

by The Ting Tings

 

I don't care how random the hook up is, at least know my name. Or the name I made up because I actually never want to see you again after this. Either/or. Just get it right.

Sex On Fire (2008)

by Kings Of Leon

 

If it's on fire, you may have an infection. Go see a doctor. Now.

Sexual Healing (1982)

by Marvin Gaye

 

I just told you, if you have an infection, you may need to see a doctor. There will be no sexual healing. Do not do anything, with anyone, until you have that infection seen to.

Push (1997)

by Matchbox Twenty

 

NEVER put this song on if you're trying to impress Edith. Or me. Or anyone with the remotest amount of taste. She will laugh at you. I will laugh at you. Then I'll write about you and a whole bunch of other people will laugh at you....and don't dump her either and think there'll be no retaliations. Seriously, Matchbox Twenty? Yes, we're laughing at you.

Who Do You Think You Are - Melody Levi

Meet Melody. She's a rockin' babe with an excellent taste in music and she's got pink hair. Well, in this photo she does!

We're back with our favourite weekly segment in which we turn the tables on one of our beautiful Facebook likers and ask them some questions. This week, Melody Levi discusses guilty pleasures, song lyrics and her own musical background. She's a guitarist. Gentlemen, start your swooning! Do guys swoon? Let's hear from Melody!

Melody Levi

Q. What are you currently listening to?

Been listening to my latest purchase, Blunderbuss by Jack White. Madly in love. Dying to know when he'll come perform for Brisbane. Did catch him when Dead Weather toured last. One of the best concerts I've ever been to. Also re listening to a bit of Bjork, The Stooges and always have Queen on stand by.

Q. What are your musical guilty pleasures?

 

 I'd say 90's pop songs. When I was little I loved all the usual offenders; Hanson, Spice Girls, Five, S Club 7 ect. My friends and I knew all the dances and lyrics religiously. We'd perform them in our rooms or on the patio. These songs created a fun foundation for my love of music and remind me of my childhood so when they hit the radio I'm often found singing and dancing away. More of a pleasure than guilt really.

Q. If you could go to any music venue, anywhere in the world and see any musician, living or dead, where would you go, who would you see?

If I could I would want to go back in time to Woodstock to watch Joe Cocker perform 'With a Little Help From My Friends,' the Beatles cover live, or perhaps Live Aid '85 to watch Freddie Mercury and Queen ignite the world.

Q. What are your favourite lyrics and are there any lyrics that have changed you or your opinion of something/someone?

I love lyrics! To me they are the entire reason for writing a song. Mankind has used songs to teach and entertain well before technology, even today children learn the alphabet through song! There's so many amazing lyrics and lyricists but one that comes to mind is Michael Tomlinson of Yves Klein Blue. He was kind enough to email me while on tour in Europe and shared some of his songwriting knowledge with me. Very kind, great mind.

Q. What's the first music you ever loved?

 

That's difficult. Kitty told me the first song I ever sang in its entirety was 'Nothing Compares 2 U' by Sinead O'Connor. We were in the kitchen, I was maybe four at the time. She sat me next to the radio on the bench. That song came on and it was big at the time so I must've heard it before. I sang it word for word, in tune and on time. Shocked her completely.

Q. First album; do you still have it, do you still love it?

The first album I ever purchased on my own was Micheal Jackson's Dangerous. Mum gave me the money and I paid for and chose the album myself. I love his music for its theatrical, up beat feel. He's influenced so many people over the years. A little part of my inner child was crushed to hear he'd passed.

Q. What instruments do you play and what's your favourite song to play and sing?

I've been playing guitar for six or seven years now. Purchased a Tanglewood TRSF-CE Electric Acoustic in 2010 which gets the job done. I learnt guitar so I could put my lyrics to music. Took me so long to master singing and playing at the same time as I was never trained for it. Love playing my own originals but I have learnt to play 'The Only Exception' by Paramore and more recently 'Love Interruption' by Jack White. I also dabble in a little piano and bass.

Ladies and gentlemen, Melody Levi! Thanks so much for stopping by. Now... when can we hear some of your music, Melody?! 

10 and 1 - Lyrics That Make You Go Hmmmm



H. Duff: "What's that thing that happens when the light isn't off?"


Tuesday means it's '10 and 1' time! Since we've still got our first ever giveaway going on, I thought we'd look at some very questionable lyrics. Lyrics that are so inane, you'll be left wondering who would ever think they were a good idea at all. Ten of those and then one piece of excellent songwriting to remind you that there's still great lyrics out there. You probably know some that you want to use when entering our giveaway! Anywho, let's get the crapola out of the way first!

The 10:

So Yesterday

by Hilary Duff

If the light is off,

Then it isn't on.

Marge Simpson sums it up best, Duffster...

You're So Vain

by Carly Simon

You're so vain,

I bet you think this song is about you...

 You want to know why he thinks this song is about him Carly? Does anyone really need to explain it to you? You're singing a song to him AND about him. Not quite the smartest move. Don't you agree (don't you, don't you)? 

You Are So Beautiful

by Joe Cocker

You are so beautiful... to me.

This one has always left me a little baffled. Yes, it's innocent and sweet, but it's also a massive backhanded compliment. My dear, you're beautiful... but you're only beautiful to me. Everyone else thinks you're a dog. Is this just Cocker's attempt at getting laid easily? You know it. 

When You Wasn't Famous

by The Streets

So when you try to pull a girl, who is also famous too,

It feels just like when you wasn't famous.

I beg your pardon? No, seriously. What did you just say in a public forum? There's only so much abuse of the English language one can stand. 

A Thousand Miles

by Vanessa Carlton

If I could fall, into the sky,

Do you think time, would pass me by?

Look, I love this song as much as the next sixteen year old girl, but there's something about this line that just leaves me awfully confused. How does one fall into the sky? I don't think you can just fall into the sky, I think one has to be pushed... from a great height. On the way down, I don't think time would be passing you by, but I do assume that your life would flash before your eyes, right before you smashed into the ground. I just think it's wrong to assume that the natural laws of time and space will fly out the window automatically because you're falling into the sky. 

Life

by Des'ree

I'm a superstitious girl, I'm the worst in the world,

Never walk under the ladders, I keep a rabbit's tail.

If I believed you were trying to convey that you're the worst person in the world when it comes to understanding superstitious beliefs, I'd be willing to let this one go Des'ree. I'm not buying it though. I think you're trying to say you're the most superstitious girl in the world and thus, you should know that it's a rabbit's foot that one keeps for luck. Keeping a rabbit's tail just makes you a monster. Poor bunny. 

Favourite Damn Disease

by Nickelback

I love your pants around your feet, and I love the dirt that's on your knees, 

I like the way you still say please while you're looking up at me,

You're like my favourite damn disease.

Look, Chad. No. Just... no. You get disease ridden bj's out the back of some barn-like-bar down south. Good for you, but there's no need to put it in writing. Excuse me while I go vomit. 

Cater 2 U

by Destiny's Child

I'll keep it tight, I'll keep my figure right...

When you come home late tap me on my shoulder, I'll roll over...

Baby I heard you, I'm here to serve you,

Let me feed you, let me run your bathwater,

Whatever you desire, I'll aspire.

 

Want a foot rub? You want a manicure?

I would totally believe that Jay-Z is keen for a manicure every now and then, but other than that... way to go Beyonce and the other two! All they need is a tap on the shoulder and BAM... it's on. It's just too much from a group that preached the nature of being an independent woman. Waaaay too much. 

I Am...I Said

by Neil Diamond

I am, I said, to no one there,

And no one heard at all, not even the chair,

I am, I cried...

 Sweet, merciful Zeus. I've always assumed Neil Diamond lived in his own world, but I never would have thought that in the Diamond-verse there would be people-chair hybrids. 

Life

by Des'ree

I don't want to see a ghost,

It's the sign that I fear most,

I'd rather have a piece of toast,

Watch the evening news.

Ghost, most, toast, boast, coast, roast, host, post, bedpost... Des'ree was just lazy. She could have kept that rhyme going forever. It should have been a little more like this; I don't want to see a ghost, it's the sign that I fear most, I'd rather have a piece of toast, then I can have a boast, down by the coast, while I eat a lamb roast, I make an excellent host, afterwards I'll send some post and then... something to do with bedpost. 

And 1:

Both Sides Now

by Joni Mitchell

I've looked at life from both sides now,

From up and down and still somehow,

It's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all.

That right there? That's great songwriting. 

With A Little Help From My Friends



Matt Bond aka Dances With Tigers...





Just a quick reminder that I'm entered into Channel [V]'s B430 blogger search and I need your votes!! Many thanks to those that have already taken the time to vote for me, I really appreciate it. Now I'm going to plagiarise (from myself) and post my original and amazingly helpful instructions on how to vote for me...


I've never been that good at pimping myself out... but I'm going to attempt a little somethin' somethin' right here, right now. If you're a fan of my "work" here, I could use a small favour. Channel [V] Australia is looking for bloggers for their B430 program and I want to be one of them! So, how can you help me out? By voting for me! There are a couple of things you'll need in advance; 1. a facebook account and 2. access to a valid Australian telephone number and address. If you're outside Australia, coming up with these should be a fun experience (but I'd really appreciate your time and effort).


You'll need to go to Channel [V] Australia's facebook page which is, http://www.facebook.com/#!/vmusic.com.au . Once you've liked it, you need to go into the B430 section which is up the top next to where it says Wall, Info, Photos and all that jazz. You then need to add the Channel [V] Global Animal application. Once you've added it, head down to 'Vote For My Friends' and you can find me in search under Matthew (not Matt!). I'm the sexy beast sitting on the tiger giving the smirkiest of smirks. Then you can vote for me and I will love you forever. You know what, I'll add the picture above, so you know EXACTLY which one it is (enjoy!).


You can help out even more by getting your friends (and family, co-workers, acquaintances, strangers you encounter on the street etc.) to vote for me too! Sorry for the hassle, but this is something that I would really, really like to do and it would help turn the labour of love that is It's My Kind of Scene into something a bit more meaningful. Thanks for reading and more importantly, thanks for voting!