Such Hip, Much Valentine's

Love is in the air, everywhere I look around. Well, love is the major theme in every newsagency I've walked into and lingerie or chocolate store I've passed by lately. Because nothing says 'love' like frilly and red Playboy panties. Anywho, Saint Valentine's Day is almost upon us, the one day of the year that's all about love, love, love. It's easy to be a hater if, like me, you're the perennial single, listening to stories from your loved up friends about all the romantic things they have planned. Does it cross their minds as they detail their purchases from Naughty and Nice that we're resisting so many urges to hurl all over them? I doubt it, but you know what, it shouldn't. We should be happy for them. I guess. Whatever.


To mark my shift from outright disdain to unaffected apathy, I thought I'd help out those amongst us struggling to find the right playlist for their prospective paramour. You'll go online and find a plethora of love song mixtapes featuring All-4-One's 'I Swear' or Whitney Houston's 'Saving All My Love' at the best and Jimmy Buffett's 'Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw' or James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful' at the worst. Note well, songs about stalking, no matter how passive, are not going to endear you to your man and/or lady love. You're a hip young thang that wants to leave an impression through your musack choices (which probably just means you want to get some [some some of this in a bun?]). Well, you just think of me as your musical wingman. Here's a playlist that will leave potential lovers* impressed enough to momentarily forget everything that's wrong with you. Or not. Whatever.

VALENTINE'S DAY PLAYLIST 2014

by Matt Bond

XO

by Beyoncé

Romantic lyrics you can share with your beloved:  

"Your face is all that I see, I'll give you everything, baby love me lights out." 

Translation: You're all up in my face, but I've had too much to drink so I'mma gon' pass out now, babe.

With Love

by Christina Grimmie

Romantic lyrics you can share with your soul mate:  

"You fought my flaws, my teeth, my claws, with love, with love."

Translation: I love you because you're cool with me biting and/or scratching you. 

How Long Will I Love You

by Ellie Goulding

Romantic lyrics you can share with your new-found love:

"How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you."

Translation: This is a one night thing and in a couple of hours you'll be taking the walk of shame. 

PrimeTime

by Janelle Monáe ft. Miguel

Romantic lyrics you can share with your life partner:

"Cause baby it's a primetime for our love, ain't nobody peekin' but the stars above."

Translation: I've set up a hidden camera in the bedroom.

Look of Love

by The Jezabels

Romantic lyrics you can share with your eternal flame:

"You got me lit up with a look of love, I could take you in a pick up truck, like I'm choking."

Translation: DO NOT GET IN THE TRUCK!

 

All Of Me

by John Legend

Romantic lyrics you can share with you one and only:

"Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you, you're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning."

Translation: Give your all to me, I'll give my all to you, you're my end and my beginning, even when I lose I'm winning. What? If you're going to trust somebody on the whole 'love' thing, it might as well be John Legend. 

Bound 2

by Kanye West
 

Romantic lyrics you can share with your better half:

"I wanna f*ck you hard on the sink, after that give you something to drink, step back, can't get spunk on the mink, I mean damn, what would Jerome Romey Romey Rome thing?"

Translation: I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I also love your booty and yes, I mean both your money and 'junk-in-trunk' booty.
 

Unconditionally

by Katy Perry

Romantic lyrics you can share with your significant other:

"Acceptance is the key to be, to be truly free, will you do the same for me?" 

Translation: Will you accept me for the jerk I am, if I do the same for you? I'll throw in me not muttering under my breath that I hate your face each time you stop talking.

Old School Love

by Lupe Fiasco ft. Ed Sheeran

Romantic lyrics you can share with your special someone:

"And give me that old school love right now, you know when I hold you, you won't be alone."

Translation: Me hold you. You not alone. Duh.  
 

Love Letters

by Metronomy
 

Romantic lyrics you can share with the [x] of your dreams:

"You're got me writing love letters, I'll always write you love letters."

Translation: And one day, long after we've broken up, I'll probably do up a letter made from magazine clippings and post it to you. Something like this...  

 

Fall In Love

by Phantogram

Romantic lyrics you can share with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with:

"Love, it cut a hole into your eyes, you couldn't see, you were the car I crashed, now you're burning alive."

Translation: N/A 

Love Sublime

by Tensnake ft. Nile Rogers and Fiora

Romantic lyrics you can share with your darling admirer: 

"Don't wake me, I feel it, our love sublime."

Translation: Yes, I care, but I also care about sleeping so kindly eff off.  

Light up the candles, put the champagne on ice and set up the playlist ready to play in full over on 8tracks.com, you filthy animals.

*Like Liz Lemon, I hate the word 'lovers' without meat in front of it and pizza after.