Text Review - Splendour In The Grass 2012

SPLENDOUR IN THE GRASS

Reviewed through the wonders of text messaging...

Byron Bay's best and brightest (and wettest and muddiest) music festival is all but a lingering memory in the minds of the people so you know what that means? It's time for our second annual Splendour In The Grass text review! Jo was on location, battling the cold and hipsters to make her way to the front of crowds to listen to some amazing and not so amazing music. Re-live the highs and the lows through the greatest form of communication there is; the text message. Short and sweet, honest and brutal; Jo recaps what many have called the festival of the year. We unecessarily talk about The Veronicas too. Whatcha gon do 'bout it c***ts. Sorry... there's some residual Azealia Banks lingo hanging around. 

Get Your Text On

July 26, 2012: 9:59pm

Jo: Halfway to Byron and I've run into my first festival casualty. Hipster searching for panadiene in the service station to get him through the weekend. Then the service station guy questioned who I wanted to see at Splendour. "Jack White and others," I said. "Not the Smashing Pumpkins?" he replied. Uuuurgh. This is going to be a long weekend. Already. 

Matt: Take some panadiene. It'll all be alright. 

Day 1:

Emma Louise's voice took the pain of the wet weather away...

July 27, 2012: 3:57pm

Jo: So the Splendour 2012 text review begins! Day one - Kingswood: 12:30 Fri. Just a couple more rehearsals in your garage and you'll make the 1pm time slot next year. That's something to aim for. Chet Faker: Oh. Without actually looking at the stage, I thought you were just the music they play in between bands. Oops. Flume: it's too early for this.

Sun + rain + hail + sun = mud. Thank goodness for the gumboot, the 4WD of festival going. 

July 27, 2012: 6:21pm

Jo: ...well, there's no grass, that's for sure. DZ Deathrays: watching you saved me from being caught in the first downpour of the weekend, so for that reason you were alright. Emma Louise: I ran through the stench and slush of mud for you. The festival isn't the right venue for you, but the run was still worth it. Big Scary: neither big nor scary. How disappointing. 

Matt: Did Emma Louise do 1000 Sundowns? Are the toilets beyond filthy yet? What colour is your poncho? Do you have a poncho? Does everyone look like drowned rats? There's just too many questions.

July 27, 2012: 7:30pm

Jo: No. Yes. Red, of course. Yes, but not worn (yet). Yes, but worse and they smell like them too, but worse.

Kate Miller-Heidke: seeing you live still hasn't convinced me whether to like you or not, but your dress? Now that I love! Spiderbait: wow, if it was 1995 this would be. Fuckin. Awesome. Um, but it's not. Nice and Ego: I know you were just fillers, but you were gooood. Very goooood. Hipnotic Brass Ensemble: yes there was brass, yes you are an ensemble and surprisingly, you were quite hypnotic. Including footwear. Good work. 

Also, three hours to Jack. Sigh.

July 27, 2012: 8:39pm

Matt: So have you fainted from Jack White fever yet? The anticipation must be killing you. Gross. Since you're talking about what Miller-Heidke is wearing, what did you decide to wear? Comfort or fashion forward? Neon, tribal, nautical, supre slut? 

I am of course referring to what you're wearing under the red poncho. 

July 27, 2012: 9:02pm

Jo: Lanie Lane: there's nothing more disappointing than introducing a special guest and it not being Jack White. Still, that cover of Henry Lee with Kram was spine tingling. Just beautiful. The Shins: you know, that ineffectual part of the leg between the knee and the foot? You are that ineffectual part of the festival between sunset and Jack White. Gypsy And The Cat: Gypsies don't like mud. Neither do cats. Neither do I. 

My attire? A combination of all the above, minus Supre slut and add fabulous. Also one and a half hours to Jack. Oh Jack. Sigh. 

July 27, 2012: 9:53pm

Jo: The Kimbra viewing tradition has not been broken!!!! Guess where I've made it to? Front row baby!!!!

July 28, 2012: 12:39am

Jo: At The Drive In: sorry who? What? It's an hour to Jack White, ATDI are just the support act, aren't they? Kimbra: how can you get more fun everytime I see you? The dress? Cuter than ever. Amazing. Jack White: oh. Wow. Oh. Jack. The well dressed band of girls. The sexy sexy sounds you make with that guitar. Oh Jack. Oh. Oh my. Oh Jack. Sigh. 

What? What were you expecting? Oh Jack. Sigh.

Day 2:

Band of Skulls!

July 28, 2012: 5:51pm

Matt: I'm assuming you've either been washed out, you're having too much fun or Lana Del Rey had you taken out of the game for hating on her last two videos. Which one is it?

Jo: Day two: Mosman Alder: some bands just need a little bit more oomph to fill a festival stage, regardless of time slot. They're alright, but need to work on oomph. Cast Of Cheers: I like a band that seems genuinely happy to be on stage and who ends their set with "it's our last song so let's go fucking mental" and they do. Shihad: Well, Shihad must be congratulated for putting in as much effort as they did 10 years ago. Good on em, old fellas. Their fans lapped it up. I've a friend who really liked Shihad. They would have loved the crap outta this. 

Lana can't take me. I'd give her a one head review for attempting and she'd run away crying. The weather is perfect so you can assume the fun option. 

Matt: Tell everyone to get off their phones. Don't they know you're very busy and important? Keep having fun. Or not. Do whatever you want. 

July 28, 2012: 6:07pm

Jo: I shall, as long as I don't get frostbite while waiting for Ladyhawke. Who invented the winter festival anyway? (PS How's your weekend?? Say awesome, yes?)

Matt: I worked today. That makes frostbite seem appealing. Ha! 

July 28, 2012: 7:50pm

Jo: Band Of Skulls: sometimes at the music festival, you have that lucky moment where you just get happy 'cause you realise how amazing something is exactly as it happens. Band of Skulls were like that. Amazing. Me: happy. Ladyhawke: the group of guys surrounding me had a lovely conversation at the start of the set "cor, she's bangin' how old is she? Like 40, I'd tap that." Apologies Ladyhawke. You deserve much better fans than that. 

Matt: 40? Who says cor?

Jo: Haha! I know! I'm not lying! Bogans?

Matt: Chavs. 

July 28, 2012: 8:30pm

Jo: I've been approached four times and asked if I know which stage Lana Del Rey is on and which way is it. I've sent them in the complete opposite direction each time. Bad person? 

Matt: Shouldn't you be heading that way yourself? You're her biggest fan! 

July 28, 2012: 9:35pm

At this point, Jo has called to confirm she is at Lana Del Rey. I listen intently to the crowd mumbling their way through 'Video Games.'

Jo: Just to prove I did go, I hope that call worked. Oh, I've so much to say about that, too much via text, so you know what my head review is? One head. 

Matt: JJJ said it was the best crowd reaction so far. Better than Jack White.

July 28, 2012: 10:36pm

Jo: Tame Impala: well, you're a popular little band aren't you? I see why, very good, continue. Ok then, Lana Del Rey: strange, all these girls here in the audience looking like they are wishing they were you, and you, awkwardly contrived and looking like you are wishing you were them. How interesting. Miike Snow: so, so good, including the dedication the guy who climbed the tent pylon midway through the set, but such a shame the terrible bleed through of sound from the mix-tent was so strong. Bad bad planning Splendour peeps. 

July 29: 2012: 12:14am

Bloc Party: ...and we danced and danced and bounced and danced... and happy to say I successfully avoided frostbite via the dance. (It's so unbearably cold though.) Almost exhausted but so much fun to be had tomorrow. One day left.

 Day 3:

Gossip's Beth Ditto wowed the crowd!

July 29, 2012: 10:35am

Jo: As I start the journey for day three, I can feel festival fatigue setting in. Coffee, cola and Azealia Banks are the keys to keeping me motivated. Here goes...

Matt: What you gon do when she appears? Are you going to stick around for Smashing Pumpkins?

Jo: Oh yah, of course I'll stick around for baldy and his employees. Is it really the Smashing Pumpkins if Billy is the only original member? It's more like 'the Smashing Pumpkins incorporated' isn't it? 

...and if I never wear gumboots ever again it will be too soon.

Matt: It's just Billy Corgan and associates. Maybe the Veronicas will make a special appearance?

Jo: Ha! Get out of my head. I thought about that, but which one? They're both the same aren't they?

Matt: One's a robot. Duh!

Jo: Uh, yeah, but which one? Duh.

Matt: One of them is blonde again. I bet it's her.

July 29, 2012: 3:13pm

Jo: The Medics: so much energy for early Sunday afternoon, your audience is small, but if you keep up with this kind of enthusiasm in your live performances, they will grow, quickly. Special mention to the cute super bouncy bass player. Love. Zulu Winter: you started your set with a handful of people watching, but you owned the stage and had a whole new legion of fans by the end. So, so good. Special mention to the super cute bass player, just for being super cute. Love. 

Matt: You're not allowed to joke about me calling young Britney Spears delicious since you're being pervy to The Medics' bass player.

July 29, 2012: 5:46pm

Jo: Django Django: what do you get when a bunch of geeks start hanging out together wearing matching clothes. Devo. No wait... what? Fun: this is an exaggeration. San Cisco: what do you get when a bunch of geeks start hanging out and don't care about wearing matching clothes. Er, um... Yuksek: there's always someone that makes you stop for some entertainment on the way to the horrific toilet facilities. Yuksek were the ones this year. Yep.

Matt: San Cisco... Awkward. Get it? Because that's the name of their song! Do you get it now?

Jo: Wow, such a bad joke you had to send it twice (Matt - I didn't)? Yeah, I get it, alright. 

PS The 90s throwbacks have shown their faces today. All here, waiting for the grand re-appearance of one of their own. Rats in cages etc. Get it? Uuuuurggh. 

Matt: I sent it once. Your phone sucks. I win? The real joke's on you though; you have to watch Billy Corgan and Associates. 

Jo: Ok, you win. Meanwhile, I'm on the way to Azealia Banks. Your Sunday night?

Matt: Sitting on a bike at the gym. So I can look like Azealia Banks? 

Yes, your Sunday wins.

Jo: Better Azealia Banks than Azealia Fats. 

PS Front row baby! Just so I can get sweared at close up. 

Matt: Just drop the c-bomb every three words and you'll be a star. Enjoy! 

July 29, 2012: 8:47pm

Jo: Metric: strobe lights and bouncing and cute shoes and lots of blonde hair, a great just-past-sunset-set. Azealia Banks: I could give a review peppered with profanities. Instead I'll say Azealia is an incredibly engaging artist. I hope she saves the female hip hop world from boredom. Wait, she already has. Awesome, so awesome. 

PS If JJJ said Lana's crowd reaction was the best, that's just 'cause Azealia hadn't played yet.

Matt: That's f***king amazing you c***!! Sorry, just wishing I was part of the fun.

July 29, 2012: 11:38pm

Gossip: (also known as Beth Ditto and associates): chatter with the audience, cigarettes, alcohol and wow, what a voice! Shame about the rest of the band though or should I say - who? Billy Corgan and associates (commonly known as the Smashing Pumpkins): there's Billy, just as tall, bald and whiny as ever. Gosh, he's good at it though. 

There you go, another Splendour text review complete. Shall I finish the same way I did last year? Yes, I shall. How I love the music festival, where you get to see bands you hate and love it and bands you love and love it.