10 and 1 - Guess That's Why They Call It Window Pain

For some unknown reason I've been listening to a whole lot of Eminem lately. Not just his newer albums, I've been listening to practically his whole catalogue. Like many of you, I was a big fan of the outrageous white boi rapper from Detroit who seemed to be on a mission to offend as many people as humanly possible. Who didn't love that? Maybe this love was what was blinding me to just how painfully funny some of Eminem's lyrics are. The emphasis there is on the painful section of painfully. I've compiled ten of my favourites below, for your perusal. Some are the good 'ha ha' kind of funny. Some are really not that kind of funny. But they're so bad, they're... you know the rest. And since this is the 10 and 1, I'll throw in one of the King of Hip Hop's best lines too. Enjoy!  

THE 10:

I feel like my head has been shredded like lettuce and cabbage.

'Cum On Everybody' - THE SLIM SHADY LP

It's funny... because it's so bad. You would think the worst thing about a song called 'Cum On Everybody' would be the title. You would be wrong. Nothing says total badass MC like comparing your state of mind to the two most harmless vegetables in the world. 

So Gwen Stefani, will you pee pee on me please?

I ain't never seen an ass like that.

Cuz the way you move it, you make my pee pee go doing, doing, doing.

'Ass Like That' - ENCORE

It's funny... when you think of the look on Gwen Stefani's face when she heard that line. I imagine it was something like this: 

Oh hell no.

You're a fucking coke head slut, I hope you fucking die,

I hope you go to hell and Satan sticks a needle in your eye.

I hate your fucking guts, you fucking slut, I hope you die,

Di-ii-ii-ii-ii-ii-ie.

But please don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter or mad.

'Puke' - ENCORE

It's funny... because no one is believing that he ain't mad. Now, I don't know about you, but one doesn't simply say 'I hope you die' as merrily as 'top of the morning to you.' If you do (and you mean it), please head on down to the nearest hospital and have someone take a look at your noggin.' You cray-cray!  

So please God, give me the strength to have what it takes to carry on,

Till I pass 50 back the baton, the camera's on, my soul is gone.

'Evil Deeds' - ENCORE

It's funny... wait. Where exactly is 50 Cent these days?

It's like my mother always told me
[Eminem Impersinates His Mom]
Rana Rana Rana Rana Rana Rana Rana Rana Rana Rana,
and codeine and goddamit, you little motherfucker
If you aint got nothin' nice to say then don't say nothin'
uh..
Fuck that shit, bitch, eat a motherfuckin' dick
Chew on a prick, and lick a million motherfuckin' cocks per second
I'd rather put out a motherfucking gospel record
I'd rather be a pussy-whipped bitch, eat pussy
And have pussy-lips glued to my face with a clit-ring in my nose
Then quit bringin my flows, quit giving me my ammo
Can't you see why i'm so mean? if y'all leave me alone, this wouldn't be my
m.o.
I wouldn't have to go eenie meenie minie mo
Catch a homo by his toe, man i don't know no more
Am i the only fuckin one who's normal any more?

'My Dad's Gone Crazy' - THE EMINEM SHOW

It's funny... because it's just too much. The seamless switch from constant P to V references is a crack up. What do you do when so many offensive lines are being thrown your way. Apparently you laugh. 

So I just, throw up a middle finger and let it linger
longer than the rumor that I was stickin it to Christina
Cause if I ever stuck it to any singer in showbiz
it'd be Jennifer Lopez, and Puffy you know this!

'I'm Back' - THE MARSHALL MATHERS LP

It's funny... unless you're Christina Aguilera or Jennifer Lopez. Diddy would have gotten a laugh out of it.

 

Now you get to watch her leave out the window,

Guess that's why they call it window "pain"

'Love The Way You Lie' - RECOVERY

It's funny... when you allow yourself to admit that this is one of the worst lyrics of all time. This is the definition of 'so bad it's good.' Every single time I hear that line I can't help but go through the motions of slapping my head, groaning and then cracking up at just how lame it is. And yet... the song is so very good. 

Don't touch what you can't grab, end up with two backhands,

Put anthrax on a tampax and slap you till you can't stand.

'Superman' - THE EMINEM SHOW

It's funny... even though domestic violence really isn't funny. The point he's trying to make in 'Superman' is quite clear - because of his failed relationships in the past, he's not looking for love from the opposite sex. Just a bit of slap and tickle. With no actual slapping I hope. Unless it's mutually agreed upon. What?  

Hillary Clinton tried to slap me and call me a pervert,

I ripped her fucking tonsils out and fed her Sherbert (Bitch!).

'Role Model' - THE SLIM SHADY LP

It's funny... because Hillary Clinton would destroy Eminem in a fight. Seriously. Do you want to mess with this?

I eat pieces of $hit like you for breakfast.

No. She would rip your tonsils out and then eat sherbert and not give you any. You don't mess with Hill. 

[Intro]
[Eminem making sounds:]
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down!
Ok..
Guess who's back?
Back again
Shady's back
Tell a friend
Whaaaaaaaa

Now everyone report to the dance floor
To the dance floor, to the dance floor
Now everyone report to the dance floor
Alright Stop!.....Pajama time

[Verse 1]
Come here little kiddies, On my lap
Guess who's back with a brand new rap?
And I don't mean rap as in a new case of child molestation accusation
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
No worries, papa's got a brand new bag of toys
What else could I possibly do to make noise?
I done touched on everything, but little boys
That's not a stab at Michael
That's just a metaphor, I'm just psycho
I go a little bit crazy sometimes
I get a little bit out of control with my rhymes
Good God, dip, do a little slide
Bend down, touch your toes and just glide
Up the center of the dance floor
Like TP for my bunghole
And it's cool if you let one go
Nobody's gonna know, who'd hear it?
Give a little "poot poot", it's OK! [Fart Sound]
Oops my CD just skipped
And everyone just heard you let one rip

[Chorus]
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake that ass
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Just lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Go crazy
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Oh baby
(HA-HA)
Oh baby, baby
(HA-HA)

[Verse 2]
Well, it's Friday and it's my day
Just to party all the way to Sunday
Maybe 'til Monday, I dunno what day
Everyday's just a holiday
Crusin' on the freeway
Feelin' kinda breezy
Got the top down, lettin' my hair blow
I dunno where I'm goin'
All I know is when I get there
Someone's gonna "touch my body"

Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk
But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work
Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair?
Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out? (Yeah)
Now, what's your name girl?
What's your sign?
[Dr Dre] "Man, you must be up out your mind"
DRE! (HA-HA)
Beer Goggles! Blind!
I'm just tryna unwind now I'm

[Chorus]
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake that ass
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Just lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Go crazy
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Oh baby
(HA-HA)
Oh baby, baby
(HA-HA)

[Verse 3]
It's Tuesday and I'm locked up
I'm in jail and I don't know what happened
They say I was running butt naked
Down the street screaming
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Well I'm sorry, I don't remember
All I know is this much
I'm not guilty
They said, "Save it, boy we gotcha you on tape
yellin' at an old lady to 'Touch my body!'"

Now this is the part where the rap breaks down
It gets real intense, no one makes a sound
Everything looks like it's 8 Mile now
The beat comes back and everybody lose themselves
Snap back to reality
Look it's B.Rabbit!
Yo you signed me up to battle!?
I'm a grown man!
Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie
I don't have any lines to go right here so, chubba teletubbie!
Fella's (WHAT?!) Fella's (WHAT?!)
Grab you left nut, make your right one jealous (what?)
Black girls
White girls
Skinny girls
Fat girls
Tall girls
Small girls
I'm callin' all girls
Everyone report to the dance floor
It's your chance for a little romance or
Butt squeezin' it's the season
Just go (HA-HA-HA-HA)
It's so appeasin'

[Chorus]
Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake that ass
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Just lose it
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Go crazy
(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA)
Oh baby
(HA-HA)
Oh baby, baby
(HA-HA)

[Outro]
UmMmMmm touch my body
UmMmMmm touch my body
Ooh boy just touch my body
I mean girl just touch my body

'Just Lose It' - ENCORE

It's funny. Yeah... the entire song. 

THE 1:

You find me offensive? I find you offensive
For finding me offensive
Hence if I should draw a line on any fences
If so to what extense if
Any, should I go? 'Cause it's getting expensive
Being on the other side of the courtroom on the defensive
They say that I cause extensive
Psychological nerve damage to the brain when I go to lengths this,
Far at other people's expenses
I say your all just too god damn sensitive
It's censorship
And it's down right blasphemous

'Rain Man' - ENCORE

If you were to discuss Eminem's legacy, you'd have to bring up his ability to challenge what society deems to be offensive. He might be funny, but the messages in his music have always been serious. He changed the way the entire world viewed rap and made it the commercial force it remains today. I for one can't wait to hear what he comes up with next.